Let No One Steal Your Peace

The Voice

2010-11-15T22:48:00.002-06:00

When I go to a yoga class, it serves two purposes:

1. The physical aspect provides physical therapy and rehabilitation while simultaneously maintaining my body that does not need rehab, and

2. It provides a very clear channel to a power greater than myself. It is thru this channel that I hear, without a doubt what my purpose is, what my next move is, how I can deal (lovingly) with day-to-day situations. This "voice" is clear, booming at times, it commands my full attention and does not allow for any interruptions or distractions, it will not be quieted or silenced.

Lately, on the physical aspect, I'm feeling my age, my mortality. I just want some maintenance to alleviate some symptoms. I do so want my youth back sometimes. It's a great idea to think that one day I will do standing head to knee and nail it again or touch my head to the floor in Separate Leg Stretching...the good ole days from when I was 33. Haha. But of course, back then I practiced every day and did doubles regularly.

When I go to class lately, there is so much chatter.... Sometimes from the teacher, but mostly in my head...she is talking Too much, she said that wrong, this pose is too long, such critical thinking all the way thru compounded by my own negative self talk about my practice or appearance make for a torturous class. When the teachers are carrying on about something, not yoga related, I just cant stand it. I’ve been taught that teacher is just a voice in the room, prolly why I teach from the back of the room. You don’t need to see me, you need to see yourself. This class has nothing to do with me…it has to do with each student. But when I’m the student… well its just so damn hard to turn off all the other voices.

I’ve stumbled up on a new teacher. Her enthusiasm is contagious. Her love of the yoga, quite obvious. Her desire to improve her teaching drives her. With some time teaching under her belt, that experience that can only happen in the room, will add to her already great style. This same experience can also jade us as teachers and I hope she has a way to go before that happens. There are regular teachers whose classes I enjoy and love. I know that I am the same way and sometimes it is just too much - all that talking and nonsense and chatter. I just want to take class and not be a teacher or a teacher that another teacher wants to “mark” by either over complimenting or over-correcting. I just want to do my yoga.

Today, I had her class. Her voice is sweet, yet has a power behind it. (I don’t think she realizes it yet) and she knows what she is doing. There is something there too, that makes me want to do better and try harder. Almost for an approval or acknowledgment. Not usual for me. I do what I do and that’s it. There was a point in class where we locked eyes. And I knew I had to keep going. No stopping now.

This is a voice for me. I can hear it crystal clear. She says things, that I “HEAR” it is general in some ways, but in others it is tailored for me. (this part of yoga, that is what connects me. Because I believe I am being spoken to directly. And that I must act upon it) Example, at one point she said something to the effect of “Let your work stay at work. This class is for you.” That can be applied by anyone and most certainly is aimed at everyone. But for me, it washed over me in a way that compelled me to let my work day go…to really be here just for me.

The entire class was riddled with these gems that kept my interest. It was a simple enough class. And that is the beauty of a gem, its beauty is right there – simple.

This is Hillary….with a voice…. a voice for me.

READING

2007-10-16T08:29:00.000-05:00

The power of peaceful persuasion is unsurpassed among skillful means. When your desired outcome is harmony, everything works for good. Reconciliation, understanding, and acceptance come easily, and the wisdom of William James' words become evident: "The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook." In a harmonious relationship, both of you are peacemakers.

---Ralph Blum's Little Book of Runic Wisdom

Going Once, Going Twice.....

2007-10-14T10:16:00.000-05:00

What great fun we had! The Annual Drag Auction was a super-fun success! So much talent that was showcased last night.

Feeling "A Part Of"

2007-10-11T08:57:00.000-05:00

I had such a wonderful time this evening. I got to go on a run - well, more of a jog really, with a friend of mine. He wants to start being more "physically active." He even went out a bought a pair of running shoes. It's nice to go with someone. breaks up the monotony and It's SUPER-NICE to have someone to make comments to about all the hot boys out there. ay.ay.ay.

Came home a had a little chicken to hold me over to dinner- that was gonna be a late one tonight at 9:30pm. A newbie was celebrating 6 months of sobriety and he called and asked me to come to the meeting to see him pick up his chip and celebrate afterwards with dinner. It was so nice to be asked to show up for support. It was great to hangout afterward in that BIG AA kinda way of 14 people - all of them crazy, talking, driving the waiter insane. :)

Since I have been travelling, i have felt a little disconnected in general. I stay very conncted to my inner-circle BUT there is something to be said for connecting generally to everyone. I have been out-of-sorts with meetings, coffee, dinners and overall get-togethers.

It was great to hang out with the newbies and see them all smile. Life get good when we clean up. It's good to share that too. I am glad they shared it with me.

IMPRESSIONS

2007-10-08T13:30:00.000-05:00

Minneapolis made quite the impression on me. This was the first time I had ever been. I like the city. It was clean and people were friendly. While at MinneSober I got this t-shirt. Not the best picture of me, but I wanted a picture for this post.

But the best impression was made by one guy in particular. He had big, make-your-heart-melt eyes, go-weak-in-the-knees lips and a SMOKIN HOT BOD! Totally my type. The images going thru my head right now. WHEW! I tend to me a T&A man myself. Nothing like great pecs and nice booty. And this guy had it all going on! Ay. Ay. Ay.

Geez! He is nice, sweet, and could converse – a lost art you know. I gave him my contact info. Hopefully he will be in touch. Not expecting anything. Who knows, maybe I’ll end up with a really hot friend, maybe I’ll end up with more. We’ll see what happens.

But for right now….
…..I (Heart) MPLS!

Life Has Gotten Busy

2007-10-07T22:48:00.000-05:00

I have been neglecting this blog. Mostly, due to LIFE. There was a while when it felt like I was living vicariously thru the blogs and lives of others. Although that was a little true - I was still living my life and posting about it. I forgot that this blog is about me for me....more of a journal really.

My life has been pretty busy. Travelling a little for work and for yoga stuff. I am still teaching. I really enjoy that. I cant imagine life with out yoga - without BIKRAM YOGA! And, Although I have been travelling, I have also been taking a lot of time off because of assignment scheduling. I am lucky to spend time at home being single house husband :)
(just practicing for whenIi find one)

So I am back. I will start to post some more. This posting stuff really is therapeutic for me. It clears my mind. It expresses my thoughts and frees my mind of all that debris, that clutter, that insanity!

WHY the sudden change you might ask? Well, I just got back from Minnealpolis where I attended MinneSober, a GLBT Recovery Conference. I got to connect a little With DAN but JIM was, sadly, out of town. I also got to meet the fabulous, the witty, the entertainer of all - WANDA WISDOM!
super cool! check her out.

Friends

2007-03-04T22:35:00.000-06:00

I love that my friend has moved back to Houston from DC. I LOVE IT! I helped this morning to move stuff from the moving truck into the storage unit. He is staying with a friend until he gets settled in. My landlord called last night at the garage apartment behind me is coming available on April 1st. Maybe he can take that. It is a nice 2 bedroom, one bath. And very affordable.

I love it when friends come back. I love it that we stay in touch. It’s like we were never apart. I am fortunate to have so many friends. Sometimes I think otherwise. I feel sorry for myself that no one is around. And the truth is, I have so many friends. Frankly, sometimes it is difficult to squeeze time in with all of them. That’s why I love going to dinner in big parties. We get to all sit around and laugh, and make jokes, and help each other out too. Sometimes, someone else has a good answer to a problem or question. And then the discussion begins. I love that shit!

Achieve

2007-03-03T18:34:00.000-06:00

What gorgeous weather we have been having. I just love it. I just got back from a run, well, really more of a jog. I weighed myself this morning. 194. yikes! I am awfully short to be that heavy. YES, some of that is muscle. BUT MOST of that is fat. I have really got to start doing something about this. Last summer when I was at my heaviest at 197, I really hit the jogging trail hard, watched what I ate and of course, practiced yoga a lot more. I was really making progress. I think the last time I checked I was at 180 and I want to get to 170. So here we go. On to getting fit and staying fit. One thing I do know that I learned from my yoga teacher. The body is so willing to change. I can change anything I want. What ever the mind can conceive, the mind and the body can achieve.

Withdrawals

2007-03-02T22:09:00.000-06:00

So I did it. I left Sprint. I went across the street and got the info, mulled it over, and made the switch. I think I am going to be happy.

I haggled over the price of the phone. I cant believe I did that. Ia m turning into my mother who haggled at the grocery store. AND being in sales, simply put it as”Do you want to make a sale today? This is what it will take for me to buy.” So I got a new phone at a decent price. Yay for me.

I will say there was a bit of a rough patch. After we did all the paperwork and phone stuff I went home. He said I could use my new phone but could receive calls on it till the switch went thru. BUT that I could receive calls on my old phone. I said ok and off I went. THAT WAS NOT TRUE! I got home and neither phone was working. I called myself from the land line to check and I got the recording “This number is not in service.” Message. Yikes! I told my self to give it some time. About 30 mins. Well, I started to worry. The same thing happened with Sprint last year when I switched over. This was not a good omen.

So I went back to the store. At this point it has been about an hour and half. I was freaking out a little bit. What if clients were calling me and they get this message. They wont call me back. I am trying to land some new clients. Will they think I went under? OH I was really freaking out. The guy at the store calls around. Fiddles a bit. Talks to his manager, calls another number. The girl on the phone says that there have been delays in switching over numbers. That it will be SEVERAL MORE HOURS! I felt my heart sink. I asked him what I was supposed to do. He said they could let me borrow a phone if I really needed it. NO. I thought. I want my own. I want mine! I told him I wasn’t good. That the same thing happened when I switched to Sprint last year and that I hoped this wasn’t an indication of what was to come. I told him I was not happy and said again that this was not good.

I went home. I was terrified. How would I call people? I am so used to calling and saying I am near Starbuck’s meet me there. It is Friday night. How do I make plans with people. I was literally going thru cell phone withdrawals. I had to breath deep. I stayed home until it was time to go to the meeting. When I got there, I felt better. Whew! I went with out a cell phone for about 5 hours. It was so strange.

Phone calls

2007-03-01T17:21:00.000-06:00

I got an automated phone call from Sprint this morning letting me know that I was over my spending limit and that service was schedule to be interrupted. It gave me an option: press 1 to pay now by credit card etc. I did. Then there were more options. And then it said I did not qualify for credit card pay-by-phone feature. ARRRG.

So I called the regular 800 customer service #. I enter different info at the different prompts. Then it says My balance due is ZERO! That I have a credit of $180. huh? That’s not right. I prompt to a LIVE PERSON. We go over this. He says Sprint credited my account $250.
“why” I asked
“an error on our part.” He says
“what was that error?” I ask.
“International text messaging” he replies.
“Ok.” I say. “So how much do I owe you?”
“nothing. You have a credit.” He answers.
“OK. I have to pay you. If you made and error and fixed it, I would still owe my monthly payment right?” trying to get him to agree.
“NO. you have a credit.” He responds.
“Look.” I say, “If I owe you $100, and you over charge me $250 and then credit me that $250, I still owe you $100. the number don’t lie.” I explain.
He is frustrated now and just say, “Sir, you have $180 credit.” That’s all he says.
I ask him.” Let me get this right. Basically, Sprint just GAVE me $250. That’s it. For an error that you made.”
“yes.’ He says and sighs.
I just said thank you.
I am so tired of this company. I switched last year with a 2 year agreement. It costs $175 to cancel. Since I have a $180 credit, I am gonna use that toward the cancellation fee. It is time to switch. I am going to the Sprint store to see if they can explain this to me any better. If not I am going with Verizon! And they are right across the street from the Sprint store.

Just Waiting

2007-02-28T10:20:00.000-06:00

I am just sitting here. Waiting for my next assignment to call and let me know they are ready for me. I went on an appointment yesterday thinking I was going to get started. Well, they had other plans.

What do I do with my time? I am going to teach yoga this afternoon. Thank goodness for my part time job. It helps keep me in check.

Staying Caught Up

2007-02-27T21:44:00.000-06:00

I am trying my darndest to stay current on my 40 entries. Geez. I didn’t think it would be this hard. BUT hell, I haven’t been blogging a lot lately. Mostly, I think my life is pretty boring. Who want to hear about the boring meeting I had with hospital administrators today? -----silence falls across the room--- that is what I thought. Tee-hee-hee

So I guess this counts as an entry.

Home

2007-02-26T07:15:00.000-06:00

It feels good to be home. I missed Coco so much! We played and played last night. Hahahaha I love playing with here. She is a pretty spry puppy for being 8 years old!

There was a lot to do. I forget how traveling disrupts home life. I had to regular old chores, laundry, dishwasher, vacuums the rugs, etc. people that know me might not think I do things like that. But I do. I went thru the mail. It was necessary to catch up with certain people too. I gotta stay connected.

I have a busy day today. Drive to Lake Jackson, pick up some stuff for work. Meet with my sponsor, listen to a 5th step, grab some tea, meet with another sponsoree, and then my usual standing Monday night dinner with a dear friend and the meeting. I won’t be home till late. I’m worn out already and I am not even dressed to get the day started. I should run now. I don’t want to be late.

Sunday Drive

2007-02-25T20:40:00.000-06:00

I woke up today and was in good spirits.

I had so much fun with my friends at a fundraiser last night. After the fundraiser, I called my friend and made plans to meet out at a local dance club. I thought we were gonna go dancing. Instead, we watched a drag show. I LOVE A GOOD TEXAS DRAG SHOW! Bars aren’t exactly conducive to conversation, so we watched, nodded to each other yelled a few comments and basically had a good time. After ward, we decided to leave. I went back to the hotel, he went home. Saying we would see each other today.

My friend texted me directions to the park to meet him. I went to watch him play soft ball, or rather watch him at soft ball practice. I was late due to watching TV. That is a really bad habit! I have been working on that since new year’s. I was doing a pretty good job till today. Dang!

It was a great sunny day. Crisp, cool weather. I sat on the bleachers and watched. He is a fast runner. lol

I started to feel like I was invading his space. (believe me, I know all this is in my head and it is all about my issues.) then I started thinking that all his friends were probably wondering who I was. Then …. Then…. Then… you know how that committee in my head starts talking. I tried to get his attention but he was way out in the field. I thought about yelling out and waving bye. I was thinking so much that I figured I should get on the road to come back to Houston. I was feeling so uncomfortable, I finally just left. Again, I know these are my own issues – no one else’s.

One the way home I started feeling guilty. I should have waited to say good bye properly. I should have just sat thru my uncomfortable feelings. I should have, I should have etc.

The drive was nice. I enjoyed some speaker cds and some great music too. It was great weather for a nice Sunday drive home.

The day after

2007-02-24T14:38:00.000-06:00

So we had a good time last night. He didn’t spend the night like I wanted. And that is strange for me. Normally, I get what I want and kick ‘em out. No really. I’m serious. I felt weird asking him if he wanted to stay. He said he could not spend the night, and he did this at the beginning of the evening. So here we are at the end of the evening. We made out a little bit, and lay in bed together. It felt great. I enjoyed it for what it was and when he left I watched TVand went to bed. We are supposed to spend the day together today. He has other plans this evening with a local non profit. I am gonna hang with some of my friends that live here during that time. Then we are supposed to get together after…. His event is over at 11pm. That is kinda late to start a date – but it’s not like I have anything else going on….

A Fun Weekend Away

2007-02-23T10:12:00.000-06:00

I am on my way to visit my friend. I am so nervous. I have never done this before – gone to visit someone I would love to date. And we ;live in different cities. Many of my friends have done this kinda stuff. They are always meeting guys and going to visit. I have one friend in particular which ALWAYS has HOT, HOT, guys come visit him from really far away places, Like Chicago, Seattle, New York, DC… that is crazy to me.

So here I am putting myself out there. Luckily I have other friends where I am going. And I have made up my mind that I am just gonna have fun. It is a fun weekend away.

I wasn’t being ignored

2007-02-22T07:34:00.000-06:00

I forget sometimes that I do not know everything. Hahahahaha

For example. I am supposed to go visit this guy I met about a month ago. He lives in another Texas city. I am supposed to stay with him. And I got scared. After talking to a few good friend and one very savvy sponsor – I decided to stay in a hotel. This is the first time we were gonna be spending time together – kinda like a first date and I did not want to last 3 days. I had also called him on Sunday. On Monday I sent him an email saying how I saw the weekend going and asked what his thoughts were. I had not heard back from him. I just knew I had scared him off. I am so aware that I have commitment issues as it is. I kept telling myself that I had run him off thru that.

Last night when I went to walk the puppy princess, I grabbed my phone so I could his call him. As I grabbed my cell, it rang. It was him. My heart raced. “hello” I said. “what’s up?” he responded. We chatted a bit. I brought up the subject of the weekend visit. He said it was good. And then asked if I had received his response to my email. I said I had not.

Then he just flat out says, “So you have been thinking all this time that I was ignoring you huh? Is that Why you didn’t call me yesterday?” I was so busted. He laughed a little a said “Now it makes sense.” Dude, I’m thinking to myself, this kind of crazy thought process is why I don’t like dating. It drives me insane. I have so many weird thoughts. “I was honest and said, “yeah. I thought maybe you had changed your mind about the weekend. I really did, I thought you were ignoring me.”

He just said, “Naw. I wasn’t ignoring you.”

Whew. No I am looking forward to the weekend again.

Out of the Ashes

2007-02-21T20:32:00.000-06:00

Ash Wednesday. Hmm. Been a while since I’ve thought about Catholic holy days. I had one very important appointment this morning. I called Goddess Mother to see if she wanted to join me at the Chapel of St Basil for mass. She agreed and I was little excited. I have not seen her in quite some time. AND I had not been to mass in even longer. I miss going to mass. The ritual of it all. I am touched by some of the things we say at different times. Like “It is right to give Him thanks and praise.” Sometimes I forget to say thank you to my Higher Power for all I have been given. And I forget that everything I am and have is due to Him.

I thought long and hard about what to give up for Lent. Such an auspicious time of the year. Well, I will not go into all that as it is personal and the whole point is that it is between me and HP. What I will say is that it occurred to me that I am usually more balanced when I write. I have not been blogging as you can all tell. So the idea came to me that maybe I should blog – 40 entries in 40 days. So here we go.

Let No One Steal Your Peace emerges out of the ashes or Ash Wednesday.

2007

2007-01-01T08:53:00.000-06:00

New Year’s eve was a huge success. I did struggle over whether or not things would go well. I had a second and third friend step in to help a little. What I learned is that I can get it all done, sometimes I just need a little encouragement and support. I need to know that I am not alone, however, I am the one doing the work. See. Good comes from everything.

Damn IT

2006-12-30T14:44:00.000-06:00

I hate to put myself out there. I did this and have been feeling some pretty raw emotions.
I asked a friend for help and he agreed. When I called the day I needed that help, my calls were not answered or returned. I was in a tough spot and figured I should pull myself up by the boot straps. So I did. I felt just awful tho. Everything got done, but I was in so much fear.

I just kept thinking to myself, “See, no one will ever be there to take care of you. You have to do that yourself.” It was not the bitchy, "If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself." It was more of a sad, 'You are alone and you alone are responsible for you. No one will take care of you.' And under that was probably, “You are not worth anyone’s time.. You are not worth anyone taking time out to take care of you.”

So I felt like I put myself out there, became vulnerable by asking for help, and I was just punched really hard - caught completely off guard and had the wind knocked out of me.

Don’t know what to do. Maybe nothing. I have just been thinking that I am truly the only one responsible for me. It is my job, no one else’s to assure that my life and my affairs get taken care of.

Some one stole my peace, but some good will come of it. I know that for sure.

All I Want for Christmas….

2006-12-26T14:35:00.000-06:00

This holiday season has been truly hectic and crazy.

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS is a SILENT NIGHT!

And guess what? That is exactly what I got. I went to my mom’s and then to my Goddess Mother’s on Christmas Eve. Christmas Day I volunteered to teach a yoga class in the morning. I am so glad I did. There were lots of people that attended that class and were so happy that someone was there to teach.

After that, I cam home, made a green bean casserole (my favorite) and warmed up the turkey breast and ham from Honey baked ham company and sat in front of the TV to watch movies. I rented six of them. I guess I sat down about noon. And I ate, and watched, and ate and laughed and cried and had exactly what I wanted for Christmas – a little PEACE to rejuvenate my soul.

Peace on Earth, Good will toward men.

Merry Christmas everyone.

It's Not the Sunset, BUT The Dawn

2006-12-22T18:11:00.000-06:00

So here is a picture that Little Man took in South Korea. It is actually a sunset. Isnt that just beautiful? I love sunsets and sunrises. I love that there are times when I cant tell one from the other. Almost like a moment in time where I cant tell whether it is starting or ending.

There is a song that says something like that. "It's not the sunset but the dawn, a time when memories linger on." we sang that in my fifth grade graduation. I was in the choir. That's the only line I remember tho. I;m getting off topic.

The point is, I have not been blogging. I have been keepinga journal tho. and that writing has helped tremendously. I have not had time or been wliing to make the time, to read blogs much less write in my own blog.

So here is the deal. I have not gone away, I am still here.

At LET NO ONE STEAL YOUR PEACE.....

It is not the sunset but the dawn, a new begining.

Journey

2006-09-28T06:11:00.000-05:00

I am so excited. I am off the see the Serene Silver Fox in New Jersey. I have been looking forward to this trip and spending time with her. I was once told that no one could actually inspir you, but they could set the stage for inspiration to happen. I know that is what will happen.

We are gonna spend time on the farm. We are gonna go to Atlantic City for a day. And of course eat all the Asian food we can fit in ourselves. maybe there will be other places. All I know is that we will be like two giddy school girls. I need that so much - to just be me and chill with someone that has no judgement, no expectation, no rules; other than having fun, of course.

I will be sure to write about the trip with all of it's details upon my return.

PS I know I have not been blogging. I have some thoughts every now and then. I keep thinking that my life is just not that interesting. That there is nothing to write about. If the muses come to me during this long weekend, hopefully that will change. Actually, I will re-phrase that. The muses will come to me and I will be inspired to blog more frequently. =)

Delightful Surprise

2006-08-16T13:33:00.000-05:00

I went to a meeting last night and ran into Jim from One Gay At A Time. He was sitting across the room from me and kept looking at me. It made me a little uncomfortable. (obviously I had not recognized him as it was a dimm room) So in my head I am thinking this guy is being awfully forward just staring. THen I figured I would stare back and when I did I finally saw who it was and was just ALL SMILES. It took everything I had not to run acrooos the room and hug him. I like surprises like that. You know, When I am just gong along with life, placing on foot in front of the other and then a friend from far away is right in front of me. AWESOME! It was nice to spend some time with afterward and catch up. if you had not been to his blog, go. Lots of eye candy. :)

Living Life

2006-08-12T13:06:00.000-05:00

I can't believe how long it has been since I posted. I have constantly been wanting to post things going on; so many things happening. You know - LIFE.

I have been so swamped with work and volunteer stuff, and yoga and well, my life is pretty full. At the same time, everything, it seemed, was getting to me. There was so much going on that I had to start eliminating some things from my schedule. Sadly, blogging was one of them. I cant believe I have not even been reading blogs! I have quite a bit of catching up to do with reading and writing. I will say that I am now making a commitment to posting a several times a week.

I had become a little obsessd with blogging. lol Like everything that gets my attention - it's either all or nothing. :) I had to start making choices. I was reading and living vicariously, in a way, thru others blogs. Instead, I decided to start living life. Life, its seemed at times, was passing me by. It was time to live life and truly practice what I had been taught in all areas of my life. It was time to Let No One Steal My Peace.

What Peace?

2006-05-11T20:41:00.000-05:00

My PEACE is just plain gone. It’s been stolen from me. One thing I had not thought about before is that I COULD BE THE ONE STEALING MY OWN PEACE. Didn’t see that coming at all. My life seems to be so out of balance. I am constantly worrying about my weight and body size. (I’m the heaviest I have been – ever.) that may not be important to most, but it is creating unhappiness for me. So much that I cant enjoy a meal, a workout, yoga class, Especially yoga class. Ughh!

Not only that. It just seems like everythning gets on my nerves. Everything and everyone seems to annoy me, get under my skin and steal my peace. I get so frustrated with people lately. For all kinds of things. I just tend to keep my mouth closed and bite my tongue. I am well aware of the filthy mouth I have on me and how my words and tone can be razor sharp.

I am trying to stay in place of love so that I do not have to come back to anyone and make any amends. I hate making amends. I am often asking myself, “Is this a kind statement? Is it loving? Does it have to be said? Does it have to be said BY ME? Does it have to be said by me RIGHT NOW?” by the time I get to that last one, the answer is definitely NO! So I just go on about my business.

God, I want my peace back. God, Keep me out of my own way and grant me peace.

Connecting Actions

2006-05-07T18:29:00.000-05:00

A list of things I do that keep me connected. Anyone one of these by itself, or in any combination or order that keep me connected to something greater, to nature, the universe, or the Divine.
• Bikram Yoga
• Meditation
• Prayer all forms
• The Rosary
• Sunday Mass
• Silence in sacred spaces
• Gardening
• Blogging
• Bike Riding
• Reading Khalil Gibran
• Photography
• Working out
• Coco
• Yoga books
• Writing/Journaling
• Doodling/drawing/art
• Talking with The Serene Silver Fox
• My Sponsor
• Sponsees
• Working with Newcomers
• Daily Meditations

I have not been doing any of these. Is it any wonder that I am just completely nuts!

God's Ideas

2006-05-04T07:25:00.000-05:00

Bulletin
I am still so dissapointed about employment in Northern California. I talked to a freind who said. "It's like that church sign on W Gray says. When God says No, it's because he has a better idea." I ran over and took a picture of it.

So I will see how this turns out. For now, I am not moving. But you never know. Anything could happen tomorrow.

So Much For That Idea...

2006-05-02T21:20:00.000-05:00

Steiner
I spoke to my boss today. She informed me that my company has hired someone for the Northern California territory. Therefore, I will not be able to transfer. I could actually push the issue. In all honesty, it wouldn’t be fair. I mean, I would not like it if they transferred someone into my territory – what ever the reason would be. I am cool with that.

I am so bummed. I just can’t believe it. I can’t move with out my day job. I would love to teach yoga fulltime. But I don’t do that for the money. Do you know how expensive rent is in SF? Holy Fucking shit! I just cant believe it. A studio apartment rents for what I pay for my 2 bedroom/2 bath HOUSE in Houston. Yikes!

I am still looking to see what I can do. But, at the same time, I want to be very reasonable. I am not gonna move without a plan or a good source of income – especially with it being so expensive out there. I do not mind simplifying, or making cut backs, tightening my belt, but I also have a lifestyle to which I have become accustomed. Hahahaha This from a poor little Mexican kid who came from nothing and had nothing for so long. My mom used to tell me that the only thing I was lacking was money, cause I sure had expensive taste. :)

I justcant believe how bummed I am. I am a but angry, throw in some frustration, add some depression, and make sure there is plenty of dissapointment.

Moving?

2006-05-01T16:16:00.000-05:00

After this last trip to San Francisco, I am obsessed with the idea of moving there. I have started setting things in motion on trying to make this happen. I’ve never lived anywhere else but Houston. I have traveled to many cities, but none have affected me like San Francisco. I really do feel like that town has stolen my heart. I have no desire to move or live anywhere else, but if given the chance, I would jump on it .

I’m fairly certain that I could transfer with my work there. That would be a good source of income. The big reason to move there is to be able to study with the Fearless Leader. Basically, do an apprenticeship with her. I’d be able to get to know some different people. I would very much so be getting out of my comfort zone. HELL, I’m a Texas boy. I love it here. I know I would miss my friends and family. But there is such an allure in San Fran – I just cant describe it.

Anywho. Keep your fingers crossed. Let’s hope things go well and smoothly.

Bridge

San-Fran-tastic

2006-04-28T08:04:00.001-05:00

san
I was in San Francisco last weekend. I love that city. I went with Mary Christmas and Maxeen. BOY! That is the way to go to San Fran. We had so much fun. All the way there and all the way back.

I got to see The Fearless Leader but the Yoga Princess was out of town. I ran into Chad Fox at the Eagle. That was nice – very nice.

I took lots of photos. I will post some soon.

Six

2006-04-26T11:01:00.000-05:00

My life today, this day, nowadays, is so different from just six years ago. I am in awe at how everything has changed. It was six years ago today that I came to AA to stop drinking,. It was six years ago today that I was in trouble with the law – again. I woke up, or rather came to in jail – again. The memories of the previous day slowly come back to me. God, I hated black outs. I sat there cringing from each memory. Thinking to myself “HOW? WHY? Why couldn’t I stop?” More memories coming and realizing that MAYBE if I did not drnk I would not end up in jail. What was I going to do? My car had already been repossessed and I took over the note on a friend’s car. I had quit my job cause I knew I was about to get fired. I was facing getting evicted from my apartment. I had alienated o many people that cared about me. It really seemed like I was on my own.

I had no idea what I was looking for when I got here. I just knew that I wanted to stop. I wanted life to be different. I followed the suggestions I was given. I had no idea I was gonna be here this long. I often ask myself, “How did I get here?” And then I am filled with gratitude. You see, had I not stayed, life would be very different. Nothing like what it is now. I just got back from San Francisco. I get to travel a lot and have fun. I came back to that job I quit and am one of the top people in my company. I learned about yoga in sobriety. I went to the yoga training in sobriety. I have met so many wonderful people – people that I would not normally have wanted to meet much less form friendships with. After thinking about these aspects of my life, I think to myself, “What does it matter how you got here? This is a journey. I am on a path. And TODAY is the only day that matters on this path that leads me towards…well, I don’t know what it leads me towards. But I will trust the process just like I trusted it when I got here; not knowing what tomorrow would hold. I still woke up to meet that day.”

At five years, it felt like this could be a way of life. Six years feels like I can do anything, be anything, realize any dreams. I am on a path and following it. I can change paths, I can follow different routes – all leading probably to the same place. One thing for sure, I have to keep moving forward.

Today I am so grateful that I was shown how to live life differently. I have a life that most people dream of. I am not saying that this life is perfect. What I am certainly better equipped to deal with Life on Life’s Terms. When difficulties arise, I don’t run. When hard times hit, I know I have been through harder, tougher times. I know that I have a chance at making in this world - and I don’t have to escape through drinking or doing drugs.

I have been sober for six years. Wow! Yay! Thank you.
It was all done one day at a time. And the most important day is TODAY.

Reminiscing & Connecting & Smiling

2006-04-13T22:14:00.000-05:00

I got phone call earlier this evening from a friend of mine that has gone to the Bikram Yoga Teacher Training to be certified to teach Bikram Yoga. She was giving me an update on the first week and especially the goings on for the day. She also referred me to a blog from one of the students. check it out. Humunk Humunk I read it and was just pulled into his writing for three reasons:
1. It was reminiscent of my experience in teacher training
2. I felt connected to him because we share a common hobby, and experience
3. I smiled. I smiled from ear to ear.

It has been three years since I went thru teacher training. An experience that i would not trade or give up for anything in the whole wide world. After I finished the training, I knew then that I could accomplish anyuthing in life. NO matter how difficult (physically or mentally).

As I read on in Chris' blog, I found myself wanting more Bikram. I wan to call Om Yogi and tell him I will meet him at the Teacher Training. To go back to LA and practice with Bikram, Raj, & Emmy. I know that I belong to a bigger community that is there to help me. I also found myself thinking about all the great friends I made during the training. ALL OVER! NY, DC, San Franciso, Austin, Dallas, Colorado, and so on. People I have only known for three years yet we speak regularly and see each other when we can. A great bunch of friends brought together by Bikram Yoga.

I have been a slacker recently. Not really practicing or making the time. I barely teach, a wekend here or there. I felt motivated to return to my practice. When I practice, I am usually beating myself up. I know I can do better or more and then I have to remember that it comes with time. I have to be consistent in order to get the results. Right after the yoga training, MAry Christmas took some pictures of me in the postures at our friend's pool. I felt so proud of my body and my poses. Now, well, I am struggling again with body image and weight. So, I plan on reading Chris' blog and continue on this path. I am so glad I was sent to blog. It reminded me as to why I started my blog. To share with others that, no matter what, we can find a place of peace regardless of what is going on in our lives. That is the greatest gift Bikram gave me. My pearl of wisdom if you will. Of course, he says "Don't let anyone steal your peace." I just simply put it in a better grammatical state.
So as you go througout your day today,

"Let No One Steal Your Peace"

Toe Stand

Grasping For Life

2006-04-10T22:23:00.000-05:00

I have been chatting with Little Man. He is in Korea. He sent me this picture. He is under a cherry tree that is blossoming. There is a great story behind it. All I will say about it is that he named it “Grasping for Life” Basically, I see all of us just reaching out, trying to do our best as we traverse the paths set before us in our lives. Reaching, grasping, for all of that which is beautiful like the cherry blossoms. And we see how our life, in turn, blossoms as we try to make sense of it all. I liked it so much, I asked if I could post it and he gave me permission.

Long Time Friends

2006-04-02T10:10:00.000-05:00

I spent the day with an old friend of mine. We have been friends since high school. That is a long time. We were roommates till I moved in my current house a little over two years ago. I have always been truly grateful that he opened his house up to me when we became roommates. It was a really good match. I sometimes miss living with him. I always slept so good. We kept opposite hours even though we both worked from home. I would go to bed and he would come home right after. It was comforting to know he was home – you know another person in the house.

Anyway. We haven’t talked in a over a year. An email or IM here or there, but almost no contact. I love this guy like family. I did not know what was going on in his life. I have tried to keep up with him thru different sources, but I prefer to know right from the source.

So we hung out yesterday for a good long time. I LOVED IT! We caught up on a lot in each other’s life. I tool Coco over to play with Bear and they loved playing around. Here they are.

He has been painting. He started before I moved out. He has become pretty good at it. I went to a garage sale a long time ago and bought some sad scenery painting that was framed. He took it and painted over it. He gave it to me for my birthday.

You can see more of his work at www.catalystart.com

Gratuitous Boys

2006-03-25T20:46:00.000-06:00

We went to the Bayou City Art Festival today. We had so much fun cutting up. I was out taking pictures. I was playing around with my new toy. There are lots of hot guys in Houston. I forget that sometime. Here are a few photos of some random guys.

Look What I Got

2006-03-24T21:42:00.000-06:00

I went out and bought myself one of these today. I have been doing some research over the past few months. And I finally decided that this one the best fit for me. I have been like a kid with a new toy on Christmas morning. I love my new camera.

Fixing Broken Things

2006-03-23T08:46:00.000-06:00

I love people who are handy. You know, people who can fix the toaster, take a refridgerator and hook up the water so it comes out the door, lay down new hardwoods, or re-wire the entire house to bring it up to code! I am not handy in the same way as I am not technically inclined. We all have our strong suits.

The point of this post is to express gratitude and share my joy. When I was in the attic doing some Spring Cleaning, I found an old lamp that was broken. I have not been able to bring myself to throw it away. A good friend of mine gav it to me before he moved to DC. Anyway, it has been floating around for over two years. It was broken by a friend a few days after I moved in the house - roughly over two years ago.

I have tried taking it to different places to get it fixed. They all said that I would need to have it welded together. For some f*cked up reason, the lamp shade frame is one metal piece. ughh! No one had been able to help me.

When I found this in the attic and brought it down, it was originally to be thrown out. Then I realized I know a welder! A friend of mine - who is hot as all get out - is a metal fabricator. (This is very funny to me. By looking at him, you would NEVER guess that he has such a butch profession) I knew he could fix it. I called him up and he said to bring it over.

He called me last night and said it was fixed. I was so happy. The really funny part is that he did not weld it. He said they use very big instruments at work and that he would have melted the shade. He used super glue. Now, why did i not think of that? hmmmm. Who cares. It is fixed! yay!

So, along with my theme this week of broken things than can be mended, here is another story. I am glad I did not throw this away too. I keep finding parallel's into other aspects of my life. What had I been thrown away when I was so broken? What if no one had believed in me? What if no one had seen the potential? I am glad that someone stuck around and fixed me or at least helped get on the road to fixing myself.

Spring Cleaning

2006-03-20T22:40:00.000-06:00

It is official now. Today is the first day of Spring. I had no idea that today was the first day of Spring until mid morning when I heard it on CNN or NBC'S The Today Show. I forget.

Yesterday, in the middle of all that crying, I was finally able to get myself together enough to get on with my day. I would have been horrified if HOT L'IL BRO ( a kid in his very early twenties I see as the kid brother I never had) would have showed up on my doorstep during my episode. He came over to help me clean out and organize the attic. ugggh! He is an avid health nut/jock/athlete/runner/gymnast/cheerleader/fitness fanatic so we had to go run first. Well, ok, he ran ahead and came back to meet me while I walked at a brisk pace. He had fun.

After the walk, we went to Target to get some storage containers and then HOMO DEPOT to get some plywood. When we finally got back to my house It was work, but it was fun too. I am so glad he was around to help. Mary Christmas arrived from her Saturday night shenanigans just in time to help also. It went by quick, a couple of hours. Attic is clean....er, it is cleaner than before and certainly more organized. I threw a bunch of crap away - although nothing sentimental. I am one of those freaks that holds on to everything. Spring Cleaning and I did not even know it was Spring the very next day...Today!

So after the cleaning HOT L'IL BRO and I went to grab a bite at my favorite place - you guessed it - Barnaby's. We had a good talk. I was telling him about that meditation I received about safety. When I asked him where he felt safest I was shocked. I figured he was gonna say with his mom or his boyfriend or something like that. He said me and his sponsor. WOW! That blew me away. I've only known this kid since September, so roughly about 6 months. But I forget how we can impact each others lives in a relatively short period of time. I am not just talking about me and him.... Life in general. There are people that I consider very good friends. But still, due to the nature of the question, I was taken aback and flattered at the same time. I suddenly felt as if my life had meaning cause someone looked up to me. That totally made my day.

Here is a picture of an amarilys plant. Someone gave it to me 3 Christmases ago when I first moved into this house. It never grew. I had it inside in a small pot. And then I put it outside thinking it would be better. I finally threw it out, literally! I chunked it on the ground that Spring in order to use the pot to plant some basil. Then last Spring, while gardening, I noticed it and it had some green leaves. So I picked it up and planted it. Here is what happens when we don't throw away what seems to be broken or dead. Maybe a little love, a little nurturing and some water and sunlight help. Isn't she beautiful?

With all of this being said, I noticed the flower today, the first Day of Spring. A great and wonderful sign. I had to take pictures to share. It really is Spring in Houston. Enjoy Spring!

Safety

2006-03-19T10:34:00.000-06:00

A friend of mine in Dallas sends me this daily meditation. I just love it - and him for doing this. I received a really powerful one today on Safety. Basically, how we may not feel safe and some of this comes from our dysfunctional families. I have been going thru so much of this lately. I am definitely starting therapy again around some "mom stuff." Don't get me wrong, I love my mom. I know she did the best with what she had. And today I am able to follow that with, "But it just wasn't enough."

Last night I got phone calls from my sister, who is trying to help me fix something mom & dad did many years ago. My brother called too and basically felt it was my fault. I am owning up to my part, but DAMN! Had they not done their crap, I wouldn't be in my position now. Long story. Makes me mad and then I start to cry. I cried a little bit ago and it felt good to let it out. I cant believe I cried as much as I did. I mean, this was non-stop, cant catch my breath, slobbering crying. Then I started to laugh, cause I realized I was also snotty! Then I was overwhelmed with sadness again and started back with the snot-slinging crying.

Basically, I am realizing that I am responsible for myself. Although I have been for a very long time. Sometimes it feels like it has been since childhood. I am very aware that only I can take care of myself. No one else is going to do it. The meditation today:

One of the long-term effects of living in a dysfunctional family - as children or adults - is that we don't feel safe. Much of what we call codependency happens because we don't feel safe in relationships. This can cause us to control, obsess, or focus on the other person, while neglecting ourselves or shutting down our feelings.
We can learn to make ourselves feel safe and comfortable, as part of a nurturing, loving attitude toward ourselves. Being with a friend or doing something nice for ourselves helps us feel protected and loved. Sometimes, reaching out to another person helps us feel safe

This isn't all the text but what really stood out to me. I was thinking about where I feel safe.Very much so in my home. I've worked hard to make this place mine, not my mom's. lol I can do things my way. And I feel safe with the Serene Silver Fox and Mary Christmas. There are others with varying degrees. But these two are especially the safest. I feel very safe with The Fearless Leader in San Francisco, in her yoga room. While practicing each of the yoga postures. In each posture nothing else can exist. I feel protected. As if though nothing can hurt me.

Where or with whom do you feel the safest?

Happy Birthday

2006-03-18T18:23:00.000-06:00

Happy Birthday Serene Silver Fox! May you have many more healthy, happy, prosperous, and of course, PEACE filled birhdays!

from Chi-Chi Mono

St Patrick's Day First

2006-03-17T23:41:00.000-06:00

Today is St Patrick's Day, a day of many traditions. Wearing green. Using Clovers. Finding the LUCKY four-leafed clover. being Irish by association...
Eating Corned beef and cabbage. This last one has brought about a first this year. You see, today is also Friday. A Friday during Lent. What that means is that, according to Catholic tradition, It is a day of abstinence - no meat on Fridays. What is one to do? How can you have your corned beef and cabbage if it is a day of abstinence? Well, here in the Galveston-Houston Archdiocese, Archbishop Denardo has declared it OK to not abstain from meat. huh? What? A very long-standing tradition is being over looked? Archbishop Denardo is new to our Archdiocese. We've been told that he is very traditional and that there would be changes going in in the way things are done - going back to a more traditional Catholicism. This blew me away when he made his statement lifting the abstinence on Friday. hmmm. He is part Irish. Maybe that had some influence. I am sure that many Irish-Catholics were thrilled. Then, I wondered what the "catch" would be. Of course there was a catch. If you did not abstain on Friday, you must observe abstinence on another day that week. Well, let's see. That would leave Saturday. I am glad that he was able to make this an option for those that wanted to join in on the St Patrick's Day festivities. But I have to wonder if he consulted the Pope before doing this. Did the Pope agree? Was this a rogue decision? I myself, not being of Irish descent, did not participate. Being Mexican and all, I went to BerryHill's and had grilled fish tacos. DAMN they were good! And for dinner there was a very rich, pasta alfredo.

And I guess that since my Rosary is green, I still partook of the Green Tradition of St Patty's Day!

Procrastination

2006-02-27T23:30:00.000-06:00

Pro-cras-tin-a-tion = a fancy, five syllable word for sloth.

Basically being LAZY.

I cannot believe that it has been a month since I posted. The month of February has flown by. So much has happened. I have been meaning to post every day and, well, for some reason, sloth, I mean Procrastination set in.

It started Feb 1st. I went to yoga and decided that I was going to do the Bikram Challenge. “Come to class everyday for 60 days and I will give you a new body, a new life and a new mind.” I had a conversation with the Fearless Leader in San Fran. And told her about the challenge. She replied by saying. ’60 classes in 60 days. Ok. That sounds like a good start – I guess. It doesn’t end there. Why don’t you just go every day – period.” She is so hardcore and she had a point. It is not about the 60 days.This is about a way of life.
BUT, since I have commitment challenges, I was gonna do as many as I could with the mind set of going every day. In just a few classes, my body was changing, my life was getting different, and I had a different outlook. My mind, my way of thinking was changing. So I kept going. I did eight days consecutively. Wow! I has been a long time since I had practiced like this and the idea of a regular, consistent, and strong practice motivated me to WANT to keep up the pace.

Then, Hot Yoga Chick and hey Husband had to go out to LA for the US National Yoga Asana Competition and the International Yoga Asana Competition. We all went last year and had so much fun. This year, however, not all of us could go. I decided I would stay behind and pick up the slack, teaching while they were gone. Well, I taught A LOT. I won’t go into those details. It did however interfere with my own practice. I practiced a couple more times on my own. And then the number of classes I was teaching was too great to even try to practice on my own. When they got back and I resumed my regular life and returned to my day job. (thank God for my day job that affords me the opportunity to take time off to teach fulltime every so often) I needed a day just to me, so now I had missed four days. FUCK!
During the time they were gone, Valentine’s happened. I cannot believe I missed it. Last year I had one of the best Valentine’ ever with My Little Man. I still read the card he gave me from time to time. I guess I have moved past him now. But then again, do we ever? It was probably a good thing that I did not get to notice Valentine’s Day. I will say that The Yoga Princess in San Fran called a left a beautiful, awesome, heartfelt message about me and our friendship and what our friendship means to her. She said that he was lucky to have me in her life. I was filled with tears or joy. Someone remembered to call and leave a message. I needed that.

So I went to practice and started up again. I was determined that I was not giving up yet. I could do t classes on weekends and attempt to catch up. So on Saturday I went to practice in the morning and returned again in the afternoon. A double. Yay! I had not done a double since my training seminar. I felt awesome! I love, love, love this yoga. I am passionate. I KNOW that it works and have experienced the miracles that come about through practice.
Not connected with that. I woke up on Sunday with a raspy voice. I tend to lose my voice every so often. In fact, the last tiem I lost my voice was almost 6 years ago. I do not get sick often – yet another benefit of regular practice. I started my little hot tea, honey and lemon regiment. Monday it was worse. Since I had taken time to off to teach I was a bit behind on my regular projects. I COULD NOT AFFORD TO BE SICK. I went to work. I have been all over Texas it seems getting things done. Tuesday was not better and a terrible cough set in. ugh! So what now. I am still out there selling my little heart out while cough up my lungs. I also had to start my next project. Overlapping them in opposite ends of Texas it seems. So there I go. I believe that the only ting helping was the tea/lemon/honey crap I kept drinking. It was keeping my voice at the point just above being non-existent so that I could keep going.

I tried to go to the doctor, but he was out that week, sick too. Fuck! This is a new doctor. My regular doctor has been in practice for so long that he does not take new patients and ONLY sees patients twice a week – mornings only. I figured it was time to find a new doctor and had picked this one. So they referred me to a minor emergency clinic. I called the clinic and was on hold for ever. I hate that shit so I hung up and decided it was not that bad. That was Thursday. That night I coughed so much and so hard I did not sleep. In fact I think I may have fallen asleep/pass out about 2:30 or 3 am. I woke up at 6:30coughing again. I had to do something. So on Friday I went to the clinic. Well. Guess what? It was an Emergency Room. It would count on my ER co-pay. I am $500 worth of sick! And it would be about a 6 hour wait since true emergencies would be seen before me. I left. Called my doctor again and he was in. It was about noon. I was go run over but the girl kept insisting could not see me and that I needed to talk to the office manager – who was off that day so I could leave a voice mail. I left a message and was very frustrated. I could not have another sleepless night. I decided to call my regular Doctor – the one I was leaving. I knew he would not be in the office. His office manager remembered me. I have been going to him since I was 19. That is 15 years. She said he now only sees patients in the office on Monday mornings. I could not wait till Monday. I was beat. She referred me to a new doc in the same building. I called, got in, and was seen. They were so friendly. The doctor had a good sense of humor and a great bedside manner. I wish I could say he was hot, but that is not the case. I have decided that he is gonna be my new doc. I already have another appointment with him for a physical. He gave a prescription for antibiotics and Robitussin with codeine.
Over this past weekend, I have still been coughing up a storm. BUT I am able to sleep at night. My voice is back and I am about to go full swing for about 2 weeks as I am working very hard deadlines. So much stuff is going on at work. I am very tense about it. I have to get back into my yoga practice. Being sick did not help out. Now it’s been like 10 days since I have practiced. I will get back into it though. I know that. Especially when I think of it as a way of life.

I just had to get this post out. I could not let the month of February go by with nothing written. February has historically been my most successful month. I make more money in this one month that any other of the year. So that contributed to my procrastination on posting as well. I am gonna try to de my best to post regularly and practice yoga regularly. When I practice regularly, I know that No One Can Steal My Peace. And besides, I have to keep in mind that I am shaped by everything in my life, no one thing defines me completely.

Happy Chinese New Year

2006-01-29T22:23:00.000-06:00

I had a good day today. Hung out with Mary Christmas a lot. It is nice to have him home for a week. Anywho. I went to a meeting. During the meeting I sent a text message to The Boy Who Knits asking if he wanted to have Chinese food after. After the meeting, we were hanging trying to figure out what we were gonna do. This kid walks right up to The Boy Who Knits and says, "Happy Chinese New Year to you!" We all just busted out laughing. Kenny has a great sense of humour. We started talking about that a little and then headed to dinner. At dinner, The Boy Who Knits was impressed that I knew the following about Chinese culture:

The Chinese use mascots assigned to each year. There are twelve so they are recycled every twelve years. According to the year you were born, you have the characteristics of that mascot. BUT BE CAREFUL! It goes by the Chinese calendar not the Gregorian Calendar. Many people are mistaken as to what there mascot is because of this.

You can read more about the current Chinese New Year, Year of the Dog here.

Boy Who Knits, was just imoressed that I was, as he put it, "so cultured" Naw dude, I'm not cultured. I just know a lot of useless information. Really, I do.

Go over and wish The Boy Who Knits a Happy Chinese New Year.

Walking in The Rain

2006-01-28T20:12:00.000-06:00

I have had an awesome day! It has been a long time since I have felt like this - like me....alive. I woke up and went to a yoga class. Awesome! I came home and did a few things around the house. Awesome! I went to a meeting and I got what I needed. Awesome! I went to lunch with friends. Awesome! After that, Hot Gymnastic Kid and I went for a long walk. No really, a long walk. About 6 miles or so. It was overcast and very windy. We got to talk and catch up. The best part is that there really was no heavy conversation per se. It was just regular talk about stuff, life, happenings. I love that. Not looking for solutions which means there are problems. I don't mind that, it's just that, sometimes it seems like that is all I do with people. So this was really nice. It started to sprinkle about half way and then to rain. It felt so good. It was not a down pour, such as what we seem to get a lot these days. It was just an even rain. We kept walking, laughing, talking. It was fun. stepping in puddles, feeling the rain wet my hair, the way it drizzled down my face, neck be soaked he up by my shirt. At first it was just the shoulders that were wet. By the end we were completely soaked. I could not remember when was the last time I walked in the rain. I felt like a kid, just out having fun. The best part is that mom would not be yelling at me for being all wet, getting in the car wet, having wet shoes, or coming home all wet. GOD! I love being a grown up! And walking in the rain.

Under Construction

2006-01-27T19:23:00.000-06:00

They have been working on our streets for quite sometime. I thought they were one with our street, but I was wrong. They did one side, now they are doing the other. Well, actually that is not completely true. I mean, they did work on the other side of the street and repaved it. Now they are doing both sides but getting into our drive ways. Last night when I opened my front door, this is what I saw:

and in my front yard they left this behind:

It has been frustrating NOT to park in my own driveway. Nothing chaps my ass more than not being in my driveway - stuff left over from being a teenager with a car and having to constantly move in and out of the driveway for my older brothers and sister. Being the youngest really sucks when everyone else can boss you around. But I digress. This is my driveway and yard from my front porch and street.

I woke up this morning to a very loud construction crew at what must have been 6am. NOT COOL! Of course, waking up to a loud jack-hammer-type machinery tearing up my drive way right outside my bedroom window would do the trick to piss me off too! I was so pissed. It seems lately everything can steal my peace. Then I started laughing. I did Billy Blanks Basic Training workout the day before yesterday. OUCH! To my ego. I couldn't finish the workout. I only did about 30 minutes. OUCH! To my legs. I am so fucking sore today I could barely walk. My thigh biceps were fucking killing me. Talk about forgetting I was pissed. I was too busy just trying to get out of bed. So I stayed in bed till 7:30. Finally worked up enough umpf to rouse myself up. I am hurting. I have not felt like this since I had a trainer that made me do walking lunges - lots of walking lunges. I quickly forgot about all the noise. My body is pissed off at me for doing that work out. You see, I am under construction too. I needed to remember that.
I had my coffee and started my day.

Connecting

2006-01-26T20:34:00.000-06:00

I called a friend of mine yesterday. I called her for a very specific reason. I know she went thru a very similar situation. I knew she would be able to help me. We got to speak today. I asked my question and a dialogue followed. I listened very intently not wanting to miss anything being said. I am grateful there was no judgment, no reprimand, no "being talked to", just plain old conversation. I felt like I had a voice and I was being heard. The decisions that I had made - as crazy as they were - slowly, changed. After all, they were just decisions. No action had been taken yet.

I am grateful that she was there to listen and to talk. In some way, also to give direction. God, how I want some direction. As I heard her speak, I had tears running down my cheeks. I was trying to stop, but there was no use. The tears mostly just to let "it" out. Whatever "it" is or was. I have felt so disconnected lately. I have felt as if I did not have a voice. Like no one was hearing me or understanding me. I have been isolating. I have been maybe trying to reach out and not knowing how. My friend understood. She had been there. And everything she said just made sense. I felt that connection again however brief that might have been. And I listened, and I connected and I was moved.

I called the Serene Silver Fox shortly after. I still speak to her frequently. I think about 3 times yesterday. And we talked about this conversation. And it felt good. I think that she was mostly happy I was crying. I DO NOT CRY! Or rather I find it difficult to do so and to talk about it. I don't mind if you cry. I don't think it weak. I envy people that can be so open about their emotions. She tried to tell me that I mattered. That I have touched many lives. And this is not about an ego. I just feel so insignificant. So the Serene Silver Fox and I talked and joked. And I felt better.

My friend called back to let me know that she had run into someone else we both knew that was going thru a similar experience. And she laughed. I love that laugh. And she was carrying on about how there must be something in the air. That there were too many of us going thru this. That maybe we should start our own group where we could all talk. She had me rolling. And I felt like I mattered. I mattered enough for her to call me back and relay this info.

I got back to work and boy, was I productive. I should have more afternoons where I have an emotional release like this.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you BOTH!
PS. The Serene Silver Fox has had her name for a while. I will have to come up with a name for my friend - one that will do her justice. That will be forthcoming.

It's Official

2006-01-25T22:03:00.000-06:00

I got a call from the Serene Silver Fox. She was so excited. Her voice was a bit shakey or maybe a better word was quivering. Yes that is it. Quivering with excitement, joy, relief, a sense of accomplishment and being humble in the greatness of it. She had a moment. And she shared it with me. "It's official!" she said. She is 19, nineteen, dix-neuf, diez-y-nueve years sober!!! That's a long time. You have found a way out.

Congratulations! Congratulations Serene Silver Fox and Happy 19!

Just What the Doctor Ordered

2006-01-24T10:05:00.000-06:00

I am repeatedly in awe at how serendipitous life can be. Today has been completely wonderful in many ways.

I woke up in a fairly hostile, don't-mess-with-me mood. I got into it with the VP and GM of my company. We were working on a major problem with one of my clients. My corporate office dropped the ball and something never got done - for a full freakin year! I basically was an all around pain and still got nothing done.
I spoke to my boss and we came up with a game plan for the day.

I was busy getting all kinds of paperwork done when I got a call from Hot Yoga Chick. She was coming into town to get her hair done and go shopping for a new outfit to wear Saturday night to the Yoga Studio's Grand Opening Party. She asked if I wanted to go to lunch. YAY! Lunch plans. It has been since October since HYC (Hot Yoga Chick ) had come into Houston. So I jumped on it. We agreed she would call me when she was done and so it would be a late lunch. I worked my little tail off. I got dressed and around 1:30 went to run some errands. During that time she called, we made our plans and off I went to meet her. On my way, I decided I would go shopping too. I ws taking the rest of the day off! SCREW THOSE PEOPLE AT WORK!

We met at the Galleria and had lunch. Great conversation. It was good to laugh, chit-chat and catch up. Then off to go shopping. I hit the Kiehl's counter at Nieman's and made small talk with Roxanne. She is the best sales girl. After that, I needed nothing else. I was just gonna help Hot Yoga Chick pick out an outfit, you know, just along for the ride. We had so much fun. Store after store and as it turns out I got something I have been wanting for a while. A hard boiled egg slicer. hahahaha Yeah. That's right. This is gonna fix all my problems today!

During the shopping trip I got a call from Wild Party Boy. I used to sponsor him and he has been out on a long relapse. He calls me every so often and I call him too. He had not returned any phone calls since before Thanksgiving. It was so good to talk to him. He told me he started IOP today. Then he asked if I would still work with him. I said OF COURSE! After we hung up I realized that I was not actively sponsoring anyone. I did have one guy and he relapsed Saturday night. Said he would call me but has not done so yet. These guys really keep me on my toes and on the straight and narrow.

I did get a few things for myself too. A couple of shirts, a pair of jeans. Stuff I did not need, but things I wanted. I realized I had not been shopping for myself, for clothes, or things for the house in a really long time. It felt good to spend a little money and get some joy that way. I was very aware of my behavior. I was not acting out in spending. Had I done that, my charge card would have felt it. There would have been many shoes purchased too - Lots of shoes. And there were no shoes. I didn't even try any on. And besides, I don't think an egg slicer constitutes acting out! lol

After all of this. We went to dinner at a sushi restaurant she likes. Very nice. We got to talk even more. It was great! The food was great! I loved it. During our conversation I somehow opened up a lot about my recovery. She knows I am sober, but we never really talked about it. She basically knows that this is a very important part of my life - and reminds me of that from time to time. lol
I was telling her about a friend of mine, Red Head Girl. Red and I have been friends for a long time. There are times when we go without speaking for years, and then we reconnect. I told Hot Yoga Chick how Red would go to the place where I attend meetings when she wanted to find me. And then we would catch up and stuff. Red has tried getting sober many times. And, of course, that is difficult for me emotionally. I just want the best for her, but I realize I may not know what that is. So get this: As we are about to leave, check is paid, we are just chatting some more, my phone rings from a number I don't know. I answer the call, and it is RED HEAD GIRL! I have not seen or heard from her in about five years! Red said that several of her friends went to a meeting on a Tuesday night two weeks ago and heard me share. They liked me and talked about me after the meeting in their half-way house. When Red heard my name she knew it must be me! She was mad she didn't go to the meeting that night. When it came to choose what meeting they were going to tonight, she insisted on going where I go. She went to the meeting tonight to look for me and I wasn't there. So she asked a guy, a friend of mine, for my number. He remembered her from several years ago when the three of us went to dinner after a meeting. And so there she was calling me. I told her I would call her right back, when I Got in the car. I said my good-bye's with Hot Yoga Chick and jumped in Lupe (my accord) and redialed Red's number. It was soooooo good to talk to her and catch up. We talked for quite a while. I am continuously amazed at how God can direct certain events in my life. I needed the day with Hot Yoga Chick, I needed the cal From Wild Party Boy. And I needed the call from Red Head Girl. All in all today, these events are just what the doctor ordered.

I Have Hope For YOU

2006-01-21T15:04:00.000-06:00

I heard a guy in a meeting share that the other day. It struck something inside me. I have been in such a funk over the past few weeks. I hate it. Somedays I cant even leave the house, not even my bedroom. Well, Ok, I leave the bedroom in order to go to the kitchen to make and get coffee. I have to have my coffee. I did think about bringing the coffee pot into my bedroom, but then I would still have to go to the fridge to get the coffee beans. So, I just tough it out by having to go ALL the way to the kitchen for coffee.

Seriously though. I cant figure out what is wrong. Why do I feel so hopeless? There is quite a bit going on - mostly in my head- and I just cant bear to deal with it. I am barely working and I have so much work right now. My boss is counting on me in so many ways. I am teaching a lot too. And I love that. But I also love to hate it. I am not even reading any blogs or writing - not even in my journal. I do seem to make it to meetings, but even then I am in a foul mood. When I heard this guys say that he "had hope for you" I knew he somehow meant me. I need someone to have hope for me. I dont think I have any hope - for me. I can talk to you and I have hope for you. Nothing is ever hopeless. I just cant see it for me, it is easier to see it for you. I am glad he shared and I heard. In a way, I need someone else to carry me right now. And, I figured, why not him. He seems to have enough hope to spare. I am gonna let his hope get me thru this.

Happy Birthday to me

2006-01-02T09:45:00.000-06:00

Today is my Birthday. BIG WOO! (to quote Suzanne Sugarbaker)
I have really been dreading it for some reason. I am not used to people making a big fuss over me. Maybe somehow, I think I don't deserve it. Anyways. It is my birthday and I am gonna take some time to honor that today.

I am starting by posting this pic. Any one know who it is? I do.
That' what I want - or rather, who I want for my birthday! God, he is fucking gorgeous! Happy Birthday to me!!!!!

What Now?

2006-01-01T08:24:00.000-06:00

I new year. 2006. Weren't we all worried about Y2K just yesterday? Time waits for no one.

I am - and have been so sad for sooooo long. I have been taken over by fits of crying. ugh! I hate crying. Last night I could not bear to be around people. I just wanted to stay home. I ended up at the center and was just so sad. I had to put my best face on - mostly so that people would not ask "why?" and try to "cheer me up". I find it interesting that if someone is sad or down, instantly people want to make you feel different. I just want to be left alone and feel my feelings so they can pass and I can get on with it!

I kept looking around at everyone. I knew just about everyone there. I smiled to myself that I oucould at least show up and be aong people that care about me. i smiled cause I knew I was home - yet I was still sad.

Then, a friend from Austin showed up. I lit up like a Christmas tree. I was so happy and excited. I had just been thinking about him earlier in the evening...wondering how he was spending new year's eve. I rushed over and gave him a big hug, and he huged me back, quite tightly! It was great to catch up with him. We spent a lot of time talking. I was all smiles!

We were outside talking when we heard all the comotion inside - must be mid-night. We kissed, and kissed, and kissed. What a great new year's eve. Again, I was just all smiles!

Today I am going to go to some different houses that I have been invited to and have black-eyed peas and cabbage. Of course I will go to Maxeen's house last and stay the longest there. I hope he makes that black-eyed pea gumbo thing.... mmmm-mmmm GOOD!

So, I am sitting here thinking to myself, "What now?" There is a new year and and opportunity for some new-ness in my life. My birthday is coming up and that just makes it a really good time to make changes. And so I ask myself what they could be. I'll need time to figure it out.... sometimes I think I will sell everything and move to San Francisco! But I can't - Houston is home. As soon as I figure out what is next, I'll let you know. Until then -

I wish everyone much PEACE and a very properous 2006.

Stepping Into The New Year

2005-12-31T15:20:00.000-06:00

New Year’s Eve has always been a time when I start to reflect on the past year. My Birthday will be in two days. So, not only is it a time for a calendar year, but also for a life-year to pass. I think about what comes ahead and how I am moving forward. But in order to do that I have to look back.

There was so much that happened in 2005. Here are some of the things that come to mind.

• I met my Little Man and he got me to believe in love again.
• I had a great Valentine’s Day!
• I started blogging, Let No One Steal Your Peace came into existence
• The Fearless Leader asked me to come teach in San Francisco for a week while the Yoga Princess went on vacation
• The Pope John Paul II passed away and we got a new Pope, Pope BenedictXVI
• I reached my 5th year of sobriety
• I got to visit the Serene Silver Fox
• She took me to see my very first Broadway Play
• I came out to my brother and sister
• I learned to swim
• Daddy Long Legs stopped blogging
• My friends in Los Angeles had their first baby, a healthy boy!
• I got a tattoo, My first tattoo
• Little Man Moved to Korea
• I faced some pretty big fears – financial and otherwise.
• We had so many storms, so many, Katrina and Rita devastating the Gulf Coast
• New Orleans was devastated
• Rita gave Houston quite a scare
• Bikram Yoga the Woodlands opened its doors
• My ex-boyfriend passed away
• I went to San Fran and met Chad fox and Daigle
• My friend OM Yogi Opened a Bikram Studio in Colorado
• Maxeen was laid off after a long tenure with that employer
• Dan and Jim came to Houston and I met even more bloggers
• I bought a new car, Lupe
• Mary Christmas continues to be such a great friend, 19 years and going……

I don’t know what 2006 will hold. I am certain it will be life happening as usual. There will be good times and sad times, times of peace and times of great joy. When I think about putting one foot in front of the other to step into the new year, I am compelled to smile and remember
Let No One Steal Your Peace.

Such Joy

2005-12-24T17:22:00.000-06:00

The Holidays have been rough this year. Emotionally, mentally and at times physically....what with all the eating. lol I just cant bear to "do" Christmas. I tried going to Midnight Mass and didnt. I went to my Mom's and did what I could.
Then, I came home and this is what I got.....Coco is such a good sport!

what more could I ask for on Christmas!

I HAVE NEVER....

2005-12-17T07:26:00.000-06:00

Whenever I fond myself saying, "I have never..." It usually means I am either doing that then or about to do that very thing I am saying I have not done. hmmm. I went to see Broke Back Mountain last night. I stood in line, outside, in the cold, with it misting, around the corner of the theater, and we had purchased tickets on MONDAY! Never have I done such a thing. Of course, it was a very GAY atmosphere, if you know what I mean. lol All these homosexuals lined up to see this movie. **Side note: I must have fallen in and out of love or maybe it was lust, about 20 times with different guys in line or walking past us while we were in line.** There was a lot of hype on this movie. I think it was very well done. I enjoyed it a great deal. I can certainly see why they have been forcing the "This is not a gay movie. This is a LOVE STORY between two men" concept. Although, if two men are in love and are having sex, I would pretty much venture to say it involves homosexuality. It definately was a love story. Love was present reagrdless of gender. It was a different time. Society has changed a lot, but a lot of society has not. I did not know anything about this movie. I was touched in many of the scenes by the frustration, the passion, the joy, and most of all the love.

Oh, the love. I'll stop now. I might mke myself sad.....being the holidays, being single, and the such.
If you get a chance go see it. Very worth it.

Fa-la-la-la-la la-la la-la

2005-12-17T07:13:00.000-06:00

I have not been able to get into the Christamas Spirit. This is my very, very very MOST favorite holiday of all! After all, the holiday season begins with Thanskgiving, then there is Christmas, New Year's and a Grand Finale, all of this just to come to a finish, the last bash, on my Birthday, Jan 2. bet ya'll did not know that. teh holidays weer designed so that I could be celebrated too! lol

And I just have not been able to enjoy it. So, I figured action is key. Mary Chrsitmas is home. I went into the attic and we brought down the decorations. I have not been able to stay present, in the moment. I am dreading taking down the decorations. huh? what is taht about? So we put up a few things around the house - inside. The Nativity scene, the Advent Wreath, and some garland strategically placed around the house, like over the mantle to the fireplace, etc. Putting these decorations up has helped. I was not able to do the outside. I still cannot bear the thought of having to take them down - such hard work. We did not put up a Christmas tree. I love the Xmas tree.... especially when it is fresh and the whole house smells like Christmas when I walk in.

Putting up the decorations has helped - A LOT.
So here are a few pics of the Nativity Scene. I included baby Jesus for the picture, but then I hid him. DUH!He is not born yet! he doesn't come out till Xmas eve.

And here is my Advent Wreath. It brings me a lot of joy too! I always have to stop and admire it when the candles are lit. You know, take moment and think about what this season is really about.

Also, I am so glad that we have put out the snow globe. It has a silver reindeer in it. This is my favorite! It belongs to Mary Christmas. I am glad I get to enjoy it though! hahaha

Happy Birthday Coco!

2005-12-07T19:24:00.000-06:00

Today is Coco Patches' Birthday. She is 8 years old. I've had her since she was six weeks old. She was a birthday present to me from my ex (My bday is in Jan). She is so adorable and cute. I cant believe this is the one that was left that no one else wanted from the litter. I know someone upstairs knew she was the one for me.

All I have to say is that I want to be that active at when I get to be her age. She still has lots of spunk, charm, and playfulness of a puppy. It seems like just yesterday, I was waking up 10 times a night to let her out to pee....she would whimper to let me know she had to go out (she still does that) As a puppy, she was so tiny. She could not go up and down the 4 steps to the house. Today, she jumps around like I-dont-know-what. She can get on and off the king size bed with no problem. She jumps from couch to love seat and back with so much ease.

She loves me and misses me when I am gone. She greets me and kisses, and licks, and sniffs, and wags her tail so fast!

I know that sometimes I get a little mad, like when I come home and my socks and underwear are strewn about the house - chewed up! This is her way of telling me she is mad at me. That I need to spend some time with her. When I am taking out the trash, and I stop to answer the phone and head out the door to meet someone, leaving the trash bag on the kitchen floor, and I return to find it all over and her with a big smile saying "Thanks for the TREAT daddy!" I know it is really my fault.

She snuggles in bed or on the couch when I am watching TV. We have our own little quirks that many may not be familiar with. A little language of our own. That is our bond. She minds very well, and is very good, well-mannered most of the time. She likes to be lazy sometimes, and I do too.

This little creature, a creation of God, has been through so much with me. She was there thru my break up. The many guys I have dated. The many moves I have made. She travelled with me to New Orleans. She was there when I got sober. (she's an Al-Apuppy) She has helped me heal in many ways. Has taught me the true meaning of unconditional love. I am so blessed to have been paired up with her.

My dear little Puppy Princess, Happy Birthday.

Texas Yoga Asana Championship

2005-12-04T17:33:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was a long, long day. I woke up early and drove to The Woodlands to practice at 7:15 am - no. really. And class started at 7:15am. My thirty-some odd mile drive to practice. I was meeting my friends there, Hot Yoga Chick and her husband and off we went to Austin. We went to see the Texas Yoga Asana Championship.

It was great fun. We talked and talked and talked some more (it's a bout 2 1/2 hour drive. maybe longer because we took some long ass back road.) It was good to catch up with both of them

I was on the edge of my seat as contestants performed their routines. & postures in 3 minutes. 5 of those postures are compulsory, they each do them, and 2 optional advanced posed. WHAT FUN! I am such a yoga geek. The winners go off to Los Angeles for the International Competition in Feb.
Here are a few pictures that I was able to capture.

And here is Esak Garcia, the International Yoga Champion - Men's Division. I've practiced with him before in San Francisco. His coach is The Fearless Leader - my teacher in San Francisco.

There is such strength, stamina, Grace, determination, and concentration. Each of these contestants letting no one steal their peace.

What The F***!!!

2005-12-02T07:58:00.000-06:00

When I was going to the yoga training, a few years ago, I realized that I was gonna be practicing twice a day - A LOT! So, Being the good gay boy that I am, I just had to have several fits (outfits/costumes) to wear. I usually wear a squarecut bathing suit - and they can be kind of expensive. I learned a trick. Go to the store to try on a few and then write down their label info and order them online - much cheaper and the exact same bathing suit. I found a great site that did really well by me - I think I ordered five that first time.
The site is www.ABCUnderwear.com I get regular emails from this site. I just received one..... What The Fuck!??! That was my very first thought when I saw the image below.

It being the Holidays and all, the first image on that email was atrocious to me. A Fashion Felony, an unforgiveable sin, a offense to the Gods of Good Taste....

I cant believe anyone would wear such a thing! This is just one instance where, even if the guy wearing this would be HOT as Ryan Reynolds, I'd have to kick him out (yes, even out of bed!).... only after a good talking to on tasteful undies fashion during the holidays, or just in general. (of course I know Ryan would never wear such unmentionables)
That being said! The Holidays are here! Woooo-Hoooo!

15 Minutes

2005-11-30T19:46:00.000-06:00

I love it when we get our 15 minutes of fame. It is not my turn. I am very excited for my friend. It's his time to shine. He works so hard in an industry that he loves.

There was a write up in the Houston Chronicle about the Nutcracker Ballet put on by the Houston Ballet.

I went to see this ballet a few years ago. When I was growing up, my sister-in-law always wanted to go, but we never did. Andrew gave me some comp tix and off I went with my friend Keith. Another friend was working the Box Office that particular day. She moved my seats - BOX SEATS! That is how one should see the ballet. I was on the edge of my seat - watching. Suddenly transported in a fairyland- another world where my inner child was just in awe. I will always treasure that experience. Thank you Andrew.

You can read more about the write-up HERE. Enjoy your Fifteen Minutes of Fame, my friend - you've earned it.

Bloggers, Bloggers, Bloggers

2005-11-28T21:30:00.000-06:00

We were able to get a few bloggers together on Saturday night for a photo op. These are not all of the bloggers. It is difficult to get bloggers to stay put while rounding up (I made a funny) in a crowd of 300. They (we) all wanted to mingle, goof off and run amuck! Those that stayed put are here.

front row: Attitude of Gratitude, One Day One Step, Step by Step, & ME
back row: One Gay at A Time, Higher Powered, A Sober Thought,
LoneStar Steve, and i am somebody, The Boy Who Knits

And just because:

We can always use a handsome guy with a great smile to look at.

What A Weekend

2005-11-27T18:30:00.000-06:00

I am absolutely beat! This past weekend has been surreal. I have heard everything I need in my life and I have a few new "lines" I can use.... Just waiting for the right moment.

The Houston Round Up went off with out a hitch. If there were any glitches, they were minor or were handled very well, so that no one was the wiser.

I got to hang out with so many wonderful people, Jim and Dan and David and Chistropher and Cece and Sue, and Mike and Jack and of course all my friends from Houston. I am soooooo happy to have made new friends 8 at least that I just mentioned. This is such a small world. Jim knows my friend, The Southern Belle from New Orleans - they grew up together. Isn't that just great! It is six degrees huh? It is three degrees for the gay community - and probably one point five degrees for gay and recovering community LOL

I am so tired. I have one more guest staying with me and he leaves tomorrow. I am looking forward to a nice long talk tonight. It has been so long since I have felt connected.

If you had a Thanksgiving half as good as what I had you should feel SUPER LUCKY! I feel like one of the luckiest guys in the world. This weekend is just such a great and wonderful time.

2005-11-24T07:31:00.000-06:00

When I first got sober, I heard the difference between being grateful and being thankful summarized like this: If you borrow your mom's car to go on an interview you return it in one piece, not wrecked, and say Thank You. When you are grateful, you return the car in piece, you fill up the tank, clean the car, hand over the keys and say Thank you.
Five years and 7 months ago, yesterday was the last time I drank or did drugs.

Five years and 7 months ago, today I came to.... and was "THERE" again. Two days later, when I got out I did something about my problem. I never want to forget that. I never have to go "there" again.

Today I am grateful for:

My sobriety date - today it does not have to change.
My best friend - he is always there
My little dog. Coco - she is so precious to me.
My mom and family. Their health.
My friends and family of choice. They lift me up.
Getting to meet Jim and Dan
Seeing my friends, Christopher & David
Lambda Center - enough said!
The guys and girl that I sponsor.
The YOGA – Namaste
My Fearless Leader in San Fran
My Sponsor - soooooo patient.
The Southern Belle in New Orleans
LLama Lady - such inspiration, hope, strength, beauty.
Work, work, work, - some people dont have it.
My new car - Lupe! so beautiful and still has the new car smell.
My own health.
The Houston Round Up - our theme this year, Desire: The Only Requirement
For Having that DESIRE
For Peace

I could go on and on. There is a lot to be thankful for.... There is much to be grateful for. I know the Holidays can be nerve-wrecking especially being around family.
As you go through your day today, remember......

Let No One Steal Your Peace

Round Up

2005-11-23T13:28:00.000-06:00

The Houston Round Up begins tomorrow. I am very excited. It is always fun to meet others in the fellowship from all around the U.S. I am also very tired. I have had quite a bit going on. And I have been trying to be as helpful as possible on the committee. So much to do..... All of our speakers arrive today adn tomorrow.

I served as co-chair for speakers. I will be meeting Jim and Dan from Minneapolis. jim is speaking at the convention. i've spoken with Jim several times and emailed a lot. He is nice. Dan is coming to have a good time and support his friend. These are the only two bloggers I am aware of. There lots of other bloggers, but the live here in Houston.

I am excited to meet everyone. Gaaawwwwwd! I am such a country boy. I just love TEXAS and I want our guests to feel at home.

I have friends that I only see at Thanksgiving coming too. I will try to post throughout the weekend. There is a lot to be grateful for.

Meet Lupe

2005-11-08T08:55:00.000-06:00

I have been going back and forth on what to buy. First there was the Lexus RX330. Then, I thought about a 4Runner. I have to think about gas. I drive a lot....No seriously. a good 3 thousand miles a month. I was also thinking used...or how do they say now? "PRE-OWNED". Well, then I saw the Toyota Highlander. I fell in love. It gets pretty good gas mileage. I test drove one. I LOVED IT! Back to mileage. It is pretty good but not really good.

So I went to HONDA. I know what I am getting. a good car that I can put lots of miles on. I also decided to go new. I am not gonna trade it in in a few years. So why not go new and keep it? I have a had a Honda Accord before - back then i could only afford the base model.

So after much thinking and talking and more research. I went with Honda. I could get an Accord EX-L for what would be a base-model Highlander. I have some really big expenses coming up...that are gonna take a whie to pay. I am being responsible while still having taste.

I am really happy with my decision and purchase. yay!

Today, I went and bought Guadalupe...Lupita, Lupe.

Here she is.

I got a really good deal too. It was a long negotiation. (honda does not really negotiate their prices) I was just $500 more than what I originally wanted to pay. And I did not have to put a down payment down ( we can thank my brother for that). Just my trade in on Sally. I got full blue book trade in. yay! My brother told me that if I could walk away from table, and be serious about it, I could get a better deal. They came and told me that what I wanted was not what they could do and apologized. (at this point we were only $800 more than what I wanted to pay) So I asked for my car keys back and they gave them to me. The Sales Manager came out to the parking lot while I was getting in my car and said he would take $300 more off. I told him I would think about it. ( i was already under their invoice before this last offer) So I took it.
I bought my new car for about $4,000 under MSRP. My actual drive-out was $500 under invoice. i felt like I had done such a grown up job.

Here is one of the emblem on my steering wheel a-la-ChadFox mirror project. You can kinda see my in the reflection. Not as good as ChadFox, but who is?

So Sorry Sally

2005-11-07T08:55:00.000-06:00

Meet Sally. That is what I named my 93 Lexus SC300. She was a present to myself for my 2nd Anniversary. I got her in April of 2003 from Mary Christmas' cousin. Timing was right. I had a little money. I was also very tired of driving back and forth to New Orleans in my Jeep Wrangler with a torn canvas top. No matter how many times I replaced that canvas top, it would tear and it was a bitch to have that damn thing flap in the wind. So, for a while I had two cars. It was nice to drive around in the Jeep topless, BUT I Loved driving Sally around.

Not quite a month after I got her, a huge branch fell from a pecan tree during a storm.....it fell right across Sally. Got that fixed. About six months later, a lady was backing out of her parking spot, while I was parked in mine at the SubWay, and she just backed up into Sally. A year later, I was rear ended by a taxi cab - minor but still had damage. The very next day, some one hit Sally either pulling in or backing out of their space at the Center. Jeez! Ok there is one more. I was in Austin, a year ago September, and got a little turned around as to where I was going. While on the feeder road, I was not looking and changed lanes, hitting the car next to me. OOOOPS! Minor accident, no one was hurt, but there was damage again!

Sally has been a great car. She has been great to me. We have travelled a lot of miles together. We drove to Los Angeles, California to the Bikram Yoga training. Just the two of us on that wide open road. I-10 the whole way. I can honestly say that this is the very first car I took very, very good care of. Maintenance was all done. When things broke, they were repaired immediately.

She has been having a few problems lately. During my little "rough patch" in late August/early September, she overheated and I had the radiator replaced. At thatpoint, my mechanic said, "Boy! You better get you a new car. You are just gonna keep bring this one bak to me and sink a lot of money in it." I took his words to heart. She was not picking up when I presses the accelerator like she used to. She was also starting to have a hard idle - a shudder almost.

When I went to get her inspected and she failed the emmissions test,I had to the the mechanic's words to heart. They did not tell me exactly how, they just gave me paper and said I should take her to a mechanic and they could do the work. That was it.

So I am getting a new car...... So sorry Sally!

Tech Guy to the Rescue

2005-10-24T23:01:00.000-05:00

The Tech guy I used to date a while back fixed my computer. Turns out it was just the hard drive. (i think that is a big deal though, right?) He ordered a new one for me and fixed me up rather quickly.

Anywho. He was not able to retrieve any of my pictures. :( None of the New Orleans trip, and so many other events. i am beside myslef. i love my photos.

he is such a nice guy. why is it that it didnt work out? who knows. ( i am sure it had to do more with me though. lol)

Loving Memory/Firsts

2005-10-22T19:54:00.000-05:00

I went to Lenny's memorial service today. It was pretty overwhelming. Seeing all these people I had not seen in so long. (some of them I do see from time to time. I work with a few of them. I used to work with Debbi, Lenny's sister. She also used to be my boss' girlfriend.)

I think it was rather sad that the memorial was at a bar. (i cant get past that) But then again, that is where many of us that are gay find our families of choice since our own families have difficulty accepting our homosexuality. Half of the bar was closed off for the memorial and only friends and family were allowed. In many ways it was very nice. I got to mingle a little bit. I did not see any significant other. I don't actually know if he had a significant other. I know he dated. He was a handsome guy.

This was the first Exboyfriend's memorial that I've had to attend. That thought made me think of all the first I had with Lenny. I was pretty young, 22 or 23. And we were together 4 1/2 years. This was the first and actually ONLY significant relationship I have ever had. We lived together. The first/only boyfriend that i lived with. I loved our house. We spent about a year looking for a dining room table. One day we walked into a store and both went directly to one of the tables. We looked at each other and both said "But not the chairs." Then started laughing. So we bought that table without those hideous chairs. I bought that table from him about a year ago. I love that table.

I had to leave the memorial at this point. People were getting up to speak. I had already had several people make some not so nice remarks to me (mostly about me not drinking) So i left. I came home to honor him by myself. I finally got that good cry out. I do believe that he was worth my tears. I felt good to think about him - cry and then laugh a little. Cry some more.

The first time I ever flew was to meet him. I flew to Dallas and we drove back together. (I know it was a short flight, but it was a big deal for this little Mexican boy who had never flown or been outside of Houston and his home town in Mexico. It was the holidays. We had a great time in Dallas and then drove home together.

The First time I went to New York was with Lenny. That was so much fun. All the sight seeing and playing around. He had to work during that trip and I had to go into the city by myself. i was so scared but I did it - mostly with his encouragement.

During that trip I found out what happens when you miss your flight. lol We were late getting me to the airport to come home. I had to go to the other airport and catch a plane there. We parked the rental car outside - by the time we returned(literally 10 minutes) The car had been towed. hahahahaha so many firsts. I freaked out. He was totally calm.

My first REAL vacation. We went on a 10 day trip to Florida. We went to visit friends of mine in Tampa/St Petersburg/Clearwater. Then to Orlando for Disney and Universal Studios. After we went to Ft Lauderdale. So much fun. We drove down to Miami. Where we were departing from. That's when he surprised me. We drove all the way to Key West. For a few days before heading back to Miami. That was such a great trip - and if I recall correctly almost no arguing. (very unusual) lol

He gave me Coco as a birthday present. I love that little puppy princess. When we broke up, we stood at different ends of the kitchen and called to here. Who ever she went to would g to keep here. She came to me - in spite of him having treats in his pocket. hahahaha We laughed about that later too.

Toward the end of our relationship, we were both pretty bad and deep into our addictions. Our break up was pretty bad. We did not speak for a while - a long while. We used to fight - a lot. One time he hit me very hard and I told him not to. So, I wrestled him to the floor, hog tied him with my suit ties. And left him in the bottom of the closet while i smoked a joint. lol It's ok. He and I both have laughed about that night. I moved into the upstairs bedroom. He came home many nights drunk and high (i was too) and we would fight and argue and so on......

We of course had to do the inevitable "GO BACK" and see if after some time apart it could work. Well, no it couldn't. We had a softer, more grown up break up then. (of course, we did not live together so that made it easier)

After we broke up, I got sober. I had to. I just couldn't take it anymore. The first meeting I went to, he was there. I had no idea he was trying to get sober. I was so glad to see him there. It made me feel safe. He finally got some time about a year ago. Then relapsed again. The disease is so strong. BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD THERE GO I. I believe in remembering the WHOLE person. Not just the good stuff. So I am remembering every single act, from those good time to all the fights. That made him who he is. He and I were very passionate. In fact, he taught me about being passionate about what you do for a living.

I am glad that he and I were able to make our peace. I get so sad thinking that he is gone. He was a wonderfully talented artist. He did so much work all over the Us Canada and Mexico. He painted murals and did canvas work. ( i am glad that i have a few of his pieces of art) Such talented artist - genius really. He was the best at faux finishes and i do not mean sponging..... True design themes. Big stuff in big homes and businesses. The world will not see the light from a beautiful, shining star has gone out. You will be missed and never forgotten Thank you.

In Loving Memory
Lenny Ray Cure
May 13, 1964 - October 14, 2005

FUCKING COMPUTERS

2005-10-19T22:55:00.000-05:00

My fucking computer crashed again. This time it went dead. I cant believe I lost all those photos from New Orleans. What was I thinking? downloading them to my hard drive. I was sending them all to CD's. What was I thinking?! I know this computer was on its last leg. UGHH!

My Ex

2005-10-16T22:05:00.000-05:00

The call I got while in New Orleans was about my ex. The friend who called has all the tact of I don't know what. She left a voicemail saying he had passed away Friday night. Huh? What? I called her back and wanted to get some clarification. Well, that didn't work. She did not know anything. She just figured that I would want to know.

This was the point where we were driving to my friend's apartment in the CBD. I started to get misty eyed when the Fugees song came on the radio. Killing Me Softly That song was playing on the radio when Artiste Leonardo came to pick me up in a rental car at the airport in New York the first time I went. I think it is amazing the way one song, scent, photo, etc can bring a flood of memories back in one instant. That was such a happy time. I still cant believe he is gone.

I called his sister. She was just a big mess. And rightly so. Her only other sibling, her big bother had passed away. I barely understood anything she said. That's when I decided I had better just wait and speak with her later. Besides, he and I have been broken up for quite some time. It's not like I have place there anymore. I called a few other people and got some different answers. None of this matters. The point is he has passed away. I cant believe it.

The last time I spoke to the Artiste Leonardo was in July. We chatted for a bit. He was supposed to donate one of his pieces for a fundraiser we had. We never got around to that. I was giving him a hard time - as usual. I cant believe I will never hear his laugh again.

Visiting New Orleans

2005-10-16T13:39:00.000-05:00

The reason I got a tetanus shot on Friday was because on Saturday I went with friend to New Orleans. (That is what the website said to do if you were planning on going into the city) I did not want to take any chances. I went with my friend to get some of his stuff; mostly his clothes. He moved to New Orleans the week before Katrina hit. He had to come back to Houston. His company has temporarily relocated him to Memphis. But, it seems, he will be out of work soon - post storm lay offs.

My friend came in from Memphis, spent the night at my place. We woke up really early and drove to NOLA. It was fun driving out there. We were stuck n traffic before we even got to Beaumont. We actually spent about 2 hours in traffic - stop and go...Mostly stopped. We finally got into a good flow of going and that was good.

I took some pictures from the car - as best as I could. Seeing all those trees just clipped, broken in East Texas - aftermath of RITA - just awful. Those folks were getting themselves back together. We saw some damage from the freeway - I am sure it was worse where we could not see.

As we were approaching the New Orleans area, I felt a very definite change in the air. It was much quieter. Going into Kenner, you could really see the beginnings of wreckage. In Metairie it was more noticeable. Once in Orleans Parish, BOOM! It was everywhere. I was so sad. This city has meant so much to me over the last five years. I could not believe my eyes. We did not even make it to the bad part of the city. I do not think I could have stood it.

It was nice to see the Southern Belle - at his own house. It felt so good to give him a nice, tight hug. (I cant even begin to explain what he has been through.) He apparently he got power in his neighborhood so he has been staying in his own house. No gas though. He has to warm up water on the electric stove to take baths.... Imagine. Not only that but there is a curfew so home by 8 pm. No cable so that means no TV....imagine.No Cable so that means no internet either. He got his new refridgerator. (that reminds me. Driving down the street you could see a fridge in front of every house - duct taped shut. Everything spoiled so bad that you have to throw away the whole appliance) yikes! He took us on a tour of the neighbors house, the neighbor behind him and on the next block. He is very fortunate to still have his house livable.

During this I got a voicemail from a friend back home. Someone I had not spoken with in a very long time. Not good news. I will post on that later. I will say that I was very shocked and that I became so sad it took everything I had to do what was in front of me - helping my friend move his stuff. I was just so emotionally exhausted.

The southern Belle was still showing southern hospitality and made coffee. (I love his coffee. He makes really good coffee) We chatted briefly and then all of us headed to my friend's apartment in the CBD. for those of you that dont know that would be downtown or as the New Orleanians call it CBD, (Central Business District) lol

After my friend went and tried to get into his apartment - with no avail. The security guard would not let him in. He did as he was told and called some number that went to voicemail. He then argued with the security guard. There were some pretty heated words. You could tell he was frustrated. I just happen to think that I am not supposed to argue with someone who has a gun on his hip. Especially because when he calls the other guns (cops) they will believe him over me and then I end up in jail. My friend finally asked the guard, "If I go upstairs what are you going to do?"
the reply was "you are not going upstairs."
My friend looked at me and said, "C'mon let;s go."
To which I replied, "I love you but I am not going to jail for you."

After my friend and I had some words. I got another call on the .Same topic and I welcomed that distraction but it made me even more sad.

Then the guard came and got us and said we could go in so long as no one saw. And there were lots of construction workers around. Finally we got to g in.

THANK THE GODS! The elevator worked. You see. My friend lives on the 14th floor. We were ready and willing to climb 14 flights of stairs to get his clothes. We had several - about 8 laundry bags. BIG Laundry bags to tuff clothes in and bring down. WHEW! We took the elevator and got this all done fairly quickly. About and hour and a half. We took the elevator down and threw everything in the back of his Volvo. woo-hooo.

When we got in the car- my sadness over the phone call came back - overwhelmingly. I started to tear up. Almost cry but I have a hard time doing that - crying.

My friend became super needy. Asking for directions. REALLY stupid ones like "which way do we turn?" HELLO! It is a one way street! And it did not get any better the rest of the way.. You know. I got really mad. We got back to the Southern Belle's house. I wanted to change. I had a little breakdown in the bathroom. it felt good to get some tears out. I got dressed. Composed myself. Got back in the car. Finally I got really quiet and withdrawn. I needed time for me. I had done my job with him - helping him get his clothes. I don't think he understood that. It was a silent drive all the way back home. And even when we got to Houston he asked. "how do I get to your house?" I did not even bother answering. He knows where I live.

he dropped me off and I jumped in the shower. I was hungry, sad, I tried to cry but couldn't. I had to teach yoga the next morning. I had to be ina good place with the students. I said a little prayer and went to bed.

OUCHIE!!!

2005-10-14T19:04:00.000-05:00

I got a tetanus shot earlier today. It really hurts right now. I have been massaging my arm like the nurse showed me. I am gonna be hurting tomorrow. I'll post more later as to why i got this shot.

Moratorium

2005-10-07T09:24:00.000-05:00

I have made a decision.

YES. BE AFRAID. BE VERY AFRAID. Remember, My solutions scare me..... they should absolutely strike a fear in you such that you have never known. lol

I have issued a MORATORIUM on dating and guys in general.

I believe I should start a club like the Little Rascals. They had the "HE-MAN WOMAN HATERS CLUB"

I am currently taking suggestions for a name for the new club. It will not be limited to homosexuals either.

Jerks and Jocks Haters of America

Evil, Devil Men Haters Club

Who knows. I am just tired. sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Jaded Approaching Bitter

2005-10-06T09:24:00.000-05:00

I had a conversation with my guy again. He does not seem to get that I need space and time to get over him. He wants to hangout and call me and talk - like nothing happened. I understand that. I am not able to offer that right now. I am being a bit selfish, but I have to watch out for my own well being. I am doing this without hurting anyone - you know, being mean or ugly to get him to leave me alone.

However, each time we talk I end up being even more sad and frustrated. I get into an isolation mode. I do not want to venture out. I will eat a can of green beans for dinner instead of going out to the grocery store or any restaurant. I am truly wishing all of this was over. I know that it will take time. I know that this guys is sweet and nice and all that stuff. He just needs to leave me alone.

So my solution (my slutions sometimes scare me by the way) to this is to find a new. That old saying, 'best way to get over a guys is to find a new one'. I have been chatting to a guy on line for bout 9 months. We finally spoke on teh phone last weekend. He seems like a nice guy. We seemed to have a lot in common. Similar ways of thinking. So we made plans to go out to dinner. I called him this evening around 6 and left a message. We had plans for about 7:30. I called again at 7 and left another message. hmmmmm
I logged on. There he was. I emailed him: "Is this your correct number?" followed by the number. He replied yes and that his wireless sometimes screwed up the signal. I left it at that.

I got stood up. I GOT STOOD UP! ughhhh!

Going back to my orignal guy and in light of the new guy standing me up. Well, this is what I did.

I called Mary Christmas (he is in Dallas) and we talked. I went on and on and on. Not being too nice. Saying things like, "I wish that fucker would just leave me alone" I know I don't think of him that way. I am just tired. I went on to say things like' "that's it! I am not dating anymore. I am gonna go back to what I know. Screw 'em and leave 'em!." Although this can be fun, I am still end up alone. I have a rep among my friends about not letting guys spend the night. It's true. I don't like that. That has not been the case. Talk about getting out of my comfort zone by letting this guy spend the night - A LOT! So then I said, "I am gonna concentrate on my work. Do the things that are in front of me. I am done with guys. I have to be honest, girls are looking pretty good right now." Crazy thinking of course. "Guys are no good. I am gonna use them and that's that!"

Mary Christmas just replied. "Sounds like you are Jaded going on Bitter."

we laughed and nothing else was said.

To Be Helpful is our Only Aim.

2005-10-05T21:23:00.000-05:00

Page 89. Working With Others

I met with a guy that I have sponsored now for a few years. It has been such wonderful experience. He used to be my old dealer. lol yeah, can you beleive it? It is amazing to see the people that come into these rooms if we stay around long enough. Anyway. I knew something was up. I tend to do the same thing sometimes....talk about everything BUT what is bothering me. Leave that for the very end of the meeting. So I asked what was up and for him to be honest with me. That's when he said that he thought maybe it was time to work with someone else. He was so nervous. Kind of scared also. I told him that I have been in his shoes and had this same conversation with some of my former sponsors. That is was all ok. I think that put him at ease.

I reminded him of the following. He had a relapse a while back. When he returned I made it clear that if he wanted to work with someone else, I completely understood. That I was only here to help and that if I was not providing what he needed, that I would help find the person that would or, at least be supportive. He said no. He wanted to keep working with me. That I had what he wanted. And so we went forward.

Coming to this point has been a priveledge and an honor. Working with him has truly kept me sober. I have grown as a person, as a friend, as sponsor and sponsoree- ultimately as a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I am amazed the way this works. I started off to help someone and in return was given EVERYTHING I needed, wanted and was even surprised with the results that I had no idea existed. He said that he was sad. I said yes, a little bit. Only because it is change. I will still be here and be part of your support group if he would have me. Told him there was the flip side.

The flip side: I told him I was excited for him. He asked why. I told him because I had been in this same place. A new sponsor would shake things up and keep him on his toes. There is a certain level of willingness that makes us work hard with new people. It is unkown. We dont know what to expect. Or what is expected of us. And yet we work to make it happen. There are exciting times on the horizon ahead. aking a turn on the path and satrting a new journey. A journey that woud be far beyond anything that we could imagine. I told him that we would still be walking side-by-side as we both had a common goal - to stay sober.

When I came home, I picked up my Big Book, and this is what I read:

Both you and the new man must walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress. If you persist, remarkable things will happen. When we look back, we realized that the things that came to us when we put ourselves in God's hands were better than anything we could have planned. Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world, no matter what your present circumstances!

Thank you for everything.

Wishing you the very best on your journey.

Packages

2005-10-04T17:15:00.000-05:00

I came home from work today. Played with the dog. Got some paper work done. Sending business in to my company which means I get paid. I have not really been paid since before Katrina.

While I was sitting at my desk, I heard the dog siffing very loudly by the front door. (She is part beagle, that sniffing thing is annoying sometimes) I called her over to me and she was not coming. When I stood up, she came to me. I walked to the door and opened it. There it was. A little package. A small brown box. FROM THE LLAMA LADY! No wonder Coco was sniffing. She probably smells all the alpacas and animals from the farm.lol

I tore that sucker open! Inside there were all kinds of great little doo-dads! They were each individually wrapped. I love that. It is like Christmas. I kept opening smaller package after package. I love getting packages, boxes, anything in the mail or UPS or FEDEX. I especially like cards or letters in the mail. I like sending that stuff too.

That made my afternoon.

Thanks Llama Lady!

I'll call you.

2005-10-02T20:43:00.000-05:00

I have been seeing this guy for a few weeks. It was fun. He is handsome and nice and honest. Then, he realized that maybe we were not right for each other. We got to a point where, basically he told me he was not into me. I get that. He tried to soften the blow by saying that maybe, over time, his feelings would change. Well, that did not make sense to me. You either like me or you dont. So, he's not into me. Cool. Doesnt mean that it has not been difficult. We have still been talking and getting together (no, not hooking up). But this was really confusing me. It made it more difficult after he left each time. And each time it made me more sad. Last week, last Thursday to be exact.I was in bed at 7pm 'cause I just could not take it any more. I wanted the day to end. He called that evening and asked if everything was ok. I said yes. he asked why I was in bed already. I told him I was sad. He asked if it was because of him. I said no. He asked if I was being honest, I said no. Then I stopped and said I just wanted to go to bed and that we could talk later. That this really is something that I have to walk thru, it has nothing to do with him and NO! HE CANT HELP ME GET THRU THIS!

He called a little bit ago. He said that he feels like I have been avoiding him a litte bit. And that he felt bad cause he thinks I am a great guy and wants me to be a part of his life. I told him that, well, it doesnt work that way. I think he is a great guy too. BUT, it is painful for me to see him and know that he does not want to be with me. Yes, a bigger person might make all the effort. I am tired of making the effort. Many people say that they stay "friends" with their exes. I dont know about that. I dont just call them up and say, "HEY, wanna go hangout?" Or "wanna have dinner?" or "Let's go play at the park." Some people do have this -not me. I am clear that these relationships have changed. I am proud that most, if not all of my past relationships are amiable. but we are not friends. you know?

Anyway. He is so sweet. He really is such a nice guy. He really does not want me to feel this way. I think he feels bad. I dont think he should. This is part of the whole dating process. He kinda left it at giving me space. He is not gonna call me. He said that he would wait and that when I was ready I could call him. My thinking is, "GREAT! Go away." I did not say this. I donot want to call him. If this is over, then this is over. I will be nice when I see him. I still think of him very fondly. I am not holding any resentment against him. I am not even asking why? I know that there is no answer to that sometimes in relationships. I just want to move through this. Get my own regular,non-realtionship, I-am-not-seeing-anyone feelings back.

He said he would be there if I needed him. Such sweet innocence in a way. A certain naivete. And all I said was, "I'll call you."

Pissful Bliss

2005-10-02T15:24:00.000-05:00

There is a new yoga studio in Houston opening soon. Bikram Yoga The Woodlands. It is about 30 miles north of Houston. The directors of the the studio have been waiting to open for quite some time. That time is here. They opne next weekend. Today we had a pre-opening yoga class. I was asked to teach. yikes! I have not taught since April. But, it is like riding a bike. You start to remember as you go along. It is kind of funny. Right before class i ran into the men's room and took some deep breaths. I asked God to direct the class. I asked him to use me as a vehicle to reach out to the students and allow them to experience the healing and therapeutic benefits of yoga. Many of these students are new. They have never done this before. I asked that "I" be removed and that the "yoga" be allowed to flow thru me. Then I ran into the yoga room and started class. It was a bit odd at first, and after a few minutes, my tension, my fear melted away. I got comfortable and all the information just started to pour out - just like the sweat from each of the students. It was a good class.

At the end of class, while everyone was relaxing laying on their backs, I was doing my closing. The students started giggling and laughing a little bit. I paused wondering was whta going on and then kept going with my closing. I said, "This feeling you are experiencing, this PEACEFUL BLISS, as you go throughout your day, let no one steal your peace." WELL! after class, they told me that the first time I said, "THIS PISSFULL BLISS" they started laughing i paused then I said, "this PEACEFUL BLISS" I turned beet-red. And this was about 20 minsutes after class. How could that have happened? And I did not even catch it. I am just glad that everyone thought it was funny and no one was offended. Just another yoga class.

Coffee and Blogs

2005-09-25T08:54:00.000-05:00

I have my coffee and am ready to read on. I love Sunday morning coffee while reading blogs. I am so happy today.

Last night at the coffee shop, I noticed this cute couple. It is a gay coffee house right behind all the gay bars. There was this white guy and a Latin guy. They seemed so in love. They would hold hands, and get real close and talk. Each listened intently while the other spoke. They would let go of their hands and start getting animated, talking with their hands, and then go back to hold hands. They would lean in and kiss - ever so sweetly. There were moments when they would be silent and just look at each other. They intertwined their arms and place their elbows on the table, talking. They barely noticed anyone around them. I made eye contact with one and smiled. Then there other turned to look and I smiled again. They both smiled and blushed just a bit. They were both handsome, young, and by all appearances, in love.

Oh! To be young and in love.

Whew

2005-09-24T23:24:00.000-05:00

I went to my friend's house to "weather the storm" Or "hunker down". ( I learned some new expressions in the last couple of days.) The latest reports said that RITA would be bypassing us altogether. We had fun. Watched TV for new updates. Made fun of some of the ridiculous questions being asked by viewers. And then came up with some of our own. We had dinner and talked. Eventually we went to bed. I think I fell asleep around midnight.

I woke up at 6:20 am. I immediately looked out the window and saw the lights on at the church across the street. When I was walking thru the house, I realized there was no power. No biggie. We were expecting this. I let Coco out, and noticed that the fence on the side of his house fell. No biggie, minor damage.

We listened to the new reports. No flooding in Houston, down power lights, power outages in sporadic areas, some fallen trees, lots of limbs and leaves. Whew! So, I decided to come back home. It was spooky driving when no one else was on the road. Lots of traffic lights were out - some were hanging. When I got home, everything looked good. My power was out. Again, no big deal. I pulled up the blinds all around the house. I still had to light some candles though - THANK GOD I AM A CANDLE WHORE! I rolled up my sleeves and got to work. Emptying out all the containers of water, taking the tape off the windows, putting all those picture frames back where they belonged. ( I love my pictures, so many memories. I picked them all up and put them in a huge plastic storage bin. In my head this was gonna keep them safe.) So basically, just undoing all the preparations for the hurricane. I was putting away some stuff and thought it was kinda hot so I was gonna open a window for a breeze. In my bedroom, I felt a breeze that took me by surprise cause I had not opened a window yet. YAY! The ceiling fan was on. Power had come back on. I drained the bathtub of the water and took a hot shower and went to a meeting.

After the meeting, we tried to go eat. One place was open with a single item menu. It was kinda hot so we each went home and ate in our respective houses. I still kept on with the clean up. I went to birthday night. It was nice. After we tried to go eat again. I had called around and found one coffee shop open. They do serve sandwiches and pizza and lots of different cakes. No one wanted to go there. So we went to a Mexican Restaurant. They ran out of food. We went to a Chinese restaurant, you had to order beef dish and wait about an hour or so and it was take out. We went to a Mediterranean restaurant, THEY WERE SUPER PACKED! ughhh! So we ended up at the Hollywood coffee Shop. About 30 of us. I love AA's. The don't do anything small. It took forever to order as there was a huge line. When we got to the counter, we ordered cake to eat while we waited on our food. It was nice to hangout and catch up and tell our little war stories. I am sure that tomorrow, the city will become alive again. All those that evacuated will come home. We still have gasoline shortages. That will take care of itself with time too.

Whew! I guess we were lucky on this one.

Running From Rita

2005-09-23T08:39:00.000-05:00

RUNNING FROM RITA

That was the headlines yesterday. The freeways have been jammed as evacuees are trying to get out of the city. Cars have been stranded on the side of the road because they ran out of gas. Goddess Mother and Bubbles left Wed night at 11:30pm heading to San Antonio. She called me at 6:30 am and was just at I-10 and Highway 6. That is only 20 or so miles! 7 hours in bumper-to-bumper traffic and had just traversed 20 miles. wow!

The latest reports say that it may not be as bad as originally thought. Rita is now a Category 4 hurricane. Houston is on the "Clean" side now which is good. Of course, one never knows what will happen. Hurricanes are so unpredictable.

I want to say that I have been touched by how many people have called to ask how I am doing and some to offer a place to stay. Everyone from New Jersey to San Francisco and all points in between. You know, I cherish my friendships very much. I kept getting phone calls while doing hurricane preparation. THIS WAS A VERY WELCOME DISTRACTION. I was very busy yesterday cleaning up the back yard. Bringing everything in could be fly around and become a missile causing damage to whatever it hits. I have filled so many containers with water, it is not funny. One bathtub is filled already. The other one will be filled as soon as I finish this and take a shower.

My family is fine. Everyone is already in place where they plan to stay. I was going to go to The Woodlands, but changed my mind. It may be hard to get back home from way up there. Instead I am going to Maxeen's. Who knows, maybe we will play Canasta all night long.

I want to say that I have been a bit worried. I have never been thru this before. I know that whatever will be, will be. I have been praying. I have taken time to be still. There is such a peace in stillness. The phrase that kept coming to mind was "Be still and know that I am God." This was not in some religious way. It was more of a peaceful, "I am taking care of you" way. I believe that I am a child of God's. I believe that God watches over me. (how else could i have survived being such an alcoholic and drug addict) I had a over whelming feeling of humility. Being humble before a power so much greater than myself. A Higher Power that would most certainly know what is best for me. I told the Fearless Leader when she called that what I wanted was to be a 5 year old child. To raise my hand up and have an grown up come by and take my hand to lead me as I do not know what to do. Reminded me of the prayer of Sir Thomas Merton. "I have no idea where I am going......My desire to please you, does in fact please you......you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it." (just a few phrases-not the whole prayer) Yesterday morning the Southern Belle called me from Louisiana and said "Get a pen. We are making a list. I just went thru this a few weeks ago. Let's do this now while you are still calm." Is that not my fears being solved? A "grown up" (one who has been thru this and has more experience that me) taking my hand and leading me. THANK YOU!

I made my list. I have crossed off just about everything. The car is loaded. I am going to go to Maxeen's house. I will leave around noon.

Oh, one last thing. I went to an AA meeting last night. The leader was being a DICK! Said to please share on topic. "If we were going to share about the hurricane he would cut us off." WHATEVER! I had not been to a meeting since Monday. I needed to be around people that may have the same fears as me. TO KNOW THAT I AM NOT UNIQUE! Just because he was tired of hearing people share about the hurricane does not mean that WE are not affected by this still. He does not know what I should be sharing about. Several people spoke up and then many people left the meeting. One of the guys that left the meeting simply stated, "Our leaders are but trusted servants, they do not govern." i waited a bit, got a bit worked up then left too. I talked to someone for while in the lobby. The group of people that left started a meeting in a different room. what's that saying, " All you need to start a new AA group is a coffee pot and a resentment." lol

I realized I had been sucked into RITA. That is all I have been watching. So I came home and watched a movie. I already felt better from having talked to someone. I also had a good night's sleep. YAY!

in closing. What I have learned thru this:

Prayer and meditation are KEY to letting no one steal my peace.

NOT EVEN RITA.

RITA

2005-09-21T19:57:00.000-05:00

Do you see where that #3 is? That is where I live. I dont scare easily. But Rita is working me something awfull. Ok. Mother Nature. I get it. Your are a VERY poweful Lady that should be respected. Please be gentle with us.

Rita is now a category 5 hurricane. That's a big deal! That is the same as Katrina that wiped out New Orleans just a few weeks ago. And Rita is heading toward Texas.

Oh Gosh. Where do I start? It has been such a crazy day. I went on appointments trying to have business as usual. I started to get a clue when a client of mine told me they were evacuating their residents. She is the administrator for a nursing home in Wharton, TX. Imagine that. They are on the Gulf Coast. I was also in West Houston. I tried going to Walmart - all out of stuff and several Walgreens and CVS Pharmacies - all out also. YESTERDAY I went to 3 THREE Krogers stores for water. THEY WERE OUT!!! The shelves were empty. There was some Perrier, but you know, I'm a good ole Texas boy. I like Ozarka. :)

So, as the day progressed I got to see lots of people out and about. Gas stations had extremely long lines. I had half a tank but figured I should fill up just in case. TOOK ME 30 MINUTES. ughhh! I went with a friend to get gas for him and it took 45 minutes. Double UGHHH! The good news about that is that at that gas station I found water, Dasani 1liter bottles. It was the last case. The bad news, i had to pay regular price so for the 12 bottle case, I paid $14.28. YIKES I went with Goddess Mother and Bubbles to get gas one place had way too long lines. The second place ws not bad. After waiting in line for bout 20 minutes, we were 3rd car away from teh pump and they ran out of gas. The third place we went was about another 20 minutes wait and we were able to get her car fueled up! By the way I have a duty to mention that there were Chevron stations. I have a near and dear friend that works for Chevron-Texaco. There, dutifully mentioned!

I dont scare easily. But I am a bit scared now. The news keeps changing. I have options open. I can go to The Woodlands just 30miles north of Houston (due to evacuations about 3 hours time) and stay with the Hot Yoga Chick and her husband. I can stay with friends in Dallas. I called my friend in Ft Worth and he said I was absolutely welcome - Coco too! YAY! I thought about heading back to San Francisco for another 5 days. I mean, I can wait there just as well as I can wait in Ft Worth. (Probably not, but a good idea.) I am one of the lucky ones.
Mary Christmas is already in Dallas on assignment. He will stay there and fly to Florida for his next assignment instead of coming home for the weekend. Goddess Mother and Bubbles are going to stay with her son in San Antonio. (that's about three hours away, due to the evacuations it is now about 8 hours time) My brother and his family have a plan. My sister and her family have a plan. My mom and two other brothers are in Mexico, lucky them.

The news keeps changing. Galveston has been evacuated. The projected storm surge will cover the ENTIRE ISLAND. This is like The Storm of 1900. The Storm surge will come inland and cover Texas City, Clear Lake, Dickinson, Pasadena, La Porte, even Baytown. These places are so close. And So close to heart. I Live right in Montrose. Just west of Downtown. I think it will be ok. BUT you never know. With the new projected and SUSTAINED winds, there may well be lots of damage. Who am I kidding. There will definitely be lots of damage. My not necessarily to my house or on my street, but there will be damage. I am gonna keep my eye on the news and make a decision in the morning. I dont know if I will be leaving or not. I told my friend Maxeen, that I was doing what he was doing. If he leaves, so will I.

In the meantime, please keep all of us in your prayers. It is not about the material stuff. Although I am thankful for insurance. And that my policies are up-to-date. I hope everyone is safe. May Saint Jodocus watch over each and every one of us. (I learned about this Saint thru Daigle in one of his posts. gotta love a sea-faring guy that know who is looking out for him - Thanks Daigle!)

Welcome Home Mary Christmas

2005-09-16T19:42:00.000-05:00

I AM SO GLAD THAT MARY CHRISTMAS IS COMING HOME!!
I don't want this to end up being a sappy post - although I think it will be.

My roommate and best friend I coming home today. He has been gone two weeks on vacation in Italy. (Can you believe the bastard went without me!?) But I digress. There has been sooooo much going on in the time that he has been gone. And I did not realize how much I depend on him for support. I mean, I know that he is there and we talk about many different things all the time. BUT when he was not there, it was very obvious how much I talk to him. I need my friend. I want my friend. That is how I get through the tough times. And that is who makes the good times so special

***I think this is where I hear the theme song to the Golden Girls
Thank you for being a friend
Travelled down the road and back again
Your heart s true; you're a pal and a confidant
And if you threw a party
Invited everyone you knew
You would se the biggest gift would be from me
and the card attached would say
Thank you for being friend. ***

We have been friends a long time. And we have long history, my friend. We met in high school. Actually, the summer before our freshman year. We both signed up to take a pre-algebra class. (we both sucked at math, although he got better grades than I did. Maybe cause he studied lol) I thank God that you are in my life and have been for so long. It is official. We have know each other OVER half our lives. I keep you in my prayers especially on days you travel. I am grateful for your kind and caring heart. The way you let me bend your ear with whatever problem (usually guy related) or joy ha come into my life. And that's another thing. Thank you for all the joy, laughter, yes lots of laughter and silliness, oh if there were cameras present when we were not looking. With all sincerity, earnestness, and respect. I am honored to call you my friend. I love you and am glad you are home!

My Tattoo

2005-09-14T19:41:00.000-05:00

On Saturday August 24, I went with my friend, Chase to get my first real tatoo. (this one does not wash off.) Chase, shown here is the best guy you can take to show you where to go. As you can see, he is rather hot. And he isno stranger to tattoos. He has lots. He got one too that day. It say: ASSUME NOTHING on the back of his neck. I am glad I had such a great guide.

There was actually a group of supporters. I was very scared. I kept calling it my $3,040.00 tattoo. Yes. It cost $40. BUT, when I decide to have t removed.....that'll run two to three ($2,000 or $3,000)THOUSAND dollars. yikes.
We had a hard time trying to figure our where EXACTLY it should go....

I tried covering my....unkemptness. A-HEM~! No Comments please.

Then, the artist at work while I squirmed.

I was kind of a wuussss! But it really did hurt. I was trying to make faces. I even bit my lip at one point. I really dislike needles.

In case you are wondering. Yes. It is the PUMA logo. I love Puma gear. Tanks, sweats, shorts, sweaters, shoes.....yes the SHOES! I will post about my love for Puma another day. Today is about the tattoo. Here is the finished tattoo.

Awesome. It has been three weeks. It never scabbed or rubbed or anything. In fact, I dont think I lost any ink. That's a good thing, right? Of course, no one has really seen it. Yeah, from time to time I pull the top of my pants ( at the waist) down a little bit with my thumb in order to reveal it. But I want to SHOW it to someone. :)

I Left my Heart in San Francisco

2005-09-12T19:41:00.000-05:00

I had such a great time yesterday at the Eagle with ChadFox and Daigle. Those guys were super nice. Really good people, you know. I am always sad when I leave San Francisco. I hate good bye's. I prefer to go to the airport alone - not being dropped off or anything like that. In this way, I remember what fun I had. The last memories of what we were doing. Instead of my last memory being sad as I see you drive away. lol Just one of my quirks.

At the Eagle they had a band. There was some lady on stage singing. It was a sight to see. They were also grilling burgers and had food. They were having some sort of benefit. It was a lot of fun. So of course at the end, the lady sang a good song for me, it was not really for me I believe it was part of the line up. It was as though this was being orchestrated just for me. It was perfect. I captured it on small video clip. Let's see if I can get this to work.

I keep trying everything I know - and that is not a lot. lol I am unable to share this 30 second video clip. DAMN IT!

Anyway. Her last song was I LEFT MY HEART IN SAN FRANCISCO. I did get a bit misty-eyed. Hence, I dislike good byes. I dont think anyone noticed me.

This song made for a perfect ending to a perfect trip.

I heart San Francisco

The Foxy ChadFox

2005-09-11T19:39:00.000-05:00

I met ChadFox today. He was meeting me at the hotel. Yes, he was running a little late too. I was hungry so I went downstairs to the little deli to get a muffin and I saw him walking in past me. "Chad!" I yelled. He smiled that gorgeous smile. I felt my heart skip a beat. He was HOT! Oh sooooo hot.

I got a muffin and we took off into Chinatown. He is tall, of course most people are compared to me. lol He was easy to spot in Chinatown. He was the tallest one there. There was some sort of Fall Festival going on. SO many people on the street. He had his trusty camera with him and was taking lots of pictures. I had mine too. This is Chad in action. Such a cutie!

I have been to Chinatown many times, but this time I had a tour guide. You would have thought I had never been. Seeing all of this thru someone else's eyes. Thanks for sharing that ChadFox.

So he took me to a little tea shop and bought some tea. No, not a cup of tea. A few boxes of tea, to bring back home with me. That was so nice and sweet. My little ChadFox parting gift. Thank you ChadFox.

We made our way back to his apartment and had some tea. The tea shop was out of plum tea but Chad had it back home. I had the plum and he had something else, I forget. The plum tea was very nice. I really enjoyed it. His apartment was really cool. It was great hanging out and getting to know each other. Chad Fox is really handsome. He has a dazzling smile. (yes, my heart skips a beat again) He was funny a all get out. Great sense of humor. He had a serious side to. I really enjoyed our conversation. He showed me stuff he was working on, and he showed me the roof. WOW! What a view. You could see the bridge, downtown, and other places I forgot now. lol i was too busy looking at Chad.

I was hungry. Ihad not had anything to eat other than the muffin. I get pretty cranky when I dont eat. It was not about 2 or 2:30 and I insisted we get a bite. He took me to a pizza/bar place in Northbeach. The pizza was really good or I was really hungry. It all worked out and we got to talk even more.

We made our way to the Eagle to meet up with Daigle and some of his other friends. We hung out and laughed and laughed some more. He took pictures and more pictures. All sorts of subjects there for his pictures. Daigle took these two of us. I like them a lot. (Hey Chad, you are right, your mouth is open in pictures.....)

After a while, Chad had to leave. I stayed with Daigle and friends a while longer.When we were all ready, Daigle drove me back to the hotel and we said good bye. What a great day!

What I am gonna say here is that ChadFox is a total hottie! That guy is good looking, charming, has a few quirks which I found endearing, and they always make for adding character, and well, you can see for yourself. No. Nothing happened. I did not even make a move. I just enjoyed hanging out. I will say this "I was smitten with the Fox. The Foxy ChadFox."

30

2005-09-10T19:39:00.000-05:00

The Yoga Princess is turning 30. As she leaves her twenties behind, I hope she can see all of the very wonderful and amazing years ahead. Years that can be faced with wisdom from experience.

Her husband threw a little party. What a party! It was in the basement of a trendy bar called JADE. When I got there, it looked so pretty! YAY! I love it when I go to parties and things are really nice. I was happy mostly for her cause I wanted her to have a really good, memorable 30th birthday.

I wish I had brought me camera. I had such a hard time getting out of the hotel. I got all the way to the street and realized I forgot my cell phone. Then, I was in the lobby and realized I forgot the addressee to where I was going. When I got to the bar, I realized I forgot my camera. Oh well. There were plenty of people taking pictures.

There were so many people. A definite sign of being loved. Everyone kept pouring in. And hugging her and kissing her. It was perfect. I also got to catch up with another dear friend. It was good to see her. She looks so good and happy.

Happy Birthday my dear Yoga Princess.
Here is the Yoga Princess (brown coat) and my dear friend (blue coat)

The Daigle Experience

2005-09-09T19:38:00.000-05:00

The Fruit Loop.
As many times as I have been to San Franciso, I have never, yes that is right NEVER been out to the clubs. There is so much to do there. And, well, being in the Castro, I could extend my arm and hit a bazillion homos - most of which I would seriously consider hitting on. So why go to clubs? Well, The truth be said, I dont go because I dont like going out alone. It really isnt my thing anymore. On this trip however, DAIGLE said he was going out so I tagged along. When I told him I had never been out, he said he wold take me on the fruit loop. (we used to call it that in New Orleans.)

First, let me say that I had never met Daigle before. We emailed a little bit before my trip but not very much. This guys is so adorable - or so I thought. hehehe
I called hime the Friday night to make definate plans. We set a time and a place. COOL. When I met him in person, he was so sweet! He really is adorable. BOYS! this one with scorch you - he is soo hottttttt! That smile nad those eyes. Yes. he turns heads and he has a lot of fun. He is a bit of social butterfly. And he is just plain nice, warm, and for some reason knows about Southern Hospitality. He won big points.
He brought his friend along. (Smart move. For all he knows, I could hav been a demented psycho-path murderer. - again won big points) No. It was not ChadFox. I was a bit bummed. It was only Friday though, and i am here till Monda. ChadFox will have his turn. I dont want to talk about Chad on Daigle's time. :) We had fun hanging out and they took me on the Fruit Loop - a tour of the bars oi the area.

Let's see. We started at BadLands. Then moved on to the Bar on Castro. This is where Daigle decided we should do a podcast for his blog. You can hear it here. His friend was very funny. Daigle kept pushing his button about being a bottom. The friend kept insisting that he wasnt. (I cold really care less but this was all very amusing.) From there, we went to Twin Peaks. The first bar with big bay windows. NO CLANDESTINE ACTIVITY HERE. They lovingly call it the Glass Casket on account of all the big windows and the patrons there are of a certain age. (I will respectfully interject here that this generation paved the way for us to be able to be ourselves in public today. Thank you) After there we went to Detour. Here, Daigle messed with his friend even more. He was not letting up. And it seemed his friend was getting mad. VERY AMUSING. I have to say here that there is nothing wrong with being a bottom.Daigle, obvioulsy has no problem with it. If there were no bottoms, what would the tops do? They need each other, you know? Here is Daigle and his friend.

So from Detour we went on to Moby Dick. and from there back to BadLands. At BadLands we all danced. It felt good to dance and move around - as best I cold on that small, crowded dance floor. I think that is the charm of gay bars, crowded dance floors. :) Daigle's friend kept rubbing himslef on me. DUDE, there are more dance moves out there than just grinding. It was cute at first, but then I had to move. Overall, great time.

Daigle walked me out, (again that Southern Hospitality or good manners) He put me in a cab and said good night. It was about 1 or 1:30 am. I went to bed around 2:30 am. I drank way to many Red Bulls. Just so you all know. That is 4:30 am Texas Time. These days, even on a wild Saturday night, I am usually in bed by shortly after midnight. lol. I kept wondering how I would survive 9 am yoga class the next day.

Class with the Yoga Princess

2005-09-09T19:37:00.000-05:00

I got up early and went to class. I have not taken a yoga class from the yoga Princess since she taught while visiting in Austin. That girl is powerful. Like Bikram says, "Big things come in the small package." I loved everything she said - and not just because I like her. I am her biggest fan. BUT because it was true. There was preciseness, humor, attention to detail. Just enough compliments and corrections. She did not let me slide but she did not pick on me either.

I just had to write about that. I am so lucky to be able to visit and hangout and do yoga. The Yoga Princess ROCKS!

At Home With the Fearless Leader

2005-09-08T19:36:00.000-05:00

I love this city. As soon as I arrived in San Francisco, I was tingling with excitement. I got on the airtrain and took the BART to the hotel. I was very nicely surprised. When I came up from the subway, I was right at the corner of my hotel. So convenient.

The Yoga Princess and I had made plan for her to come pick me up and go to a yoga class. The Fearless Leader would be teaching. I love going to her class. I know that she is the one who will reach deep within me and show me that all I need is already within me. She will shed light on the answers to the questions I have. And that is exactly what happened.

I felt so good and at home when I stepped in to the yoga studio. I was greeted by a smile from my Fearless Leader. That made me feel welcome too. I changed quickly and took my place on my mat in the yoga room.

Class started and I was ready.
I was listening intently. Nothing gets past this woman. "Cisco, squeeze the crap out of your hands." My palms were not touching, I was being a bit lazy. My first backward bend was shit! She always compliments me on it. I could not even see the back wall. I can usually see the floor behind me. I started to give my all - holding nothing back. Then I came back into my body. This pose I am doing right here right now is perfect. I am doing the best I can. This is what my body will allow me to do today. I started to have some difficulty. I told her before class that I had not been practicing regularly. NOW this fact was evident. You could tell from my practice that I had been away from yoga. I started to focus on my breathing, then my body. Trying to regain some control. I heard her say:
What the mind can conceive the mind and the body can achieve. That's it! The mind has all the control, not my body. It all starts with making a decision and that is ALL ABOUT THE MIND. In a way, mind over matter. That is yoga, the union of the mind and the body. OK. I am not gonna give up. And here we go.
I start focusing intently on my breath, regulating my heart rate. Pose after pose. And then my new mantra comes to me. (My sick, twisted mind plays these little jokes on me.) "Never Let 'em See You Sweat! I Smile. The room is heated to a 105 degrees. The sweat pouring off of me. I see the steady stream falling from my elbow, my nose, my knee, my fingertips in the front mirror. I smile even more. How crazy. Never let 'em see you sweat. Be calm, cool and collected. Breathe. Pose after pose. smile after smile. I refocus on her voice. Damn that woman is sheer inspiration. She probably does not know it, and that is the beauty.

Towards the end of class, she starts talking about the evacuees of hurricane Katrina. She asks that we each do our part. She begs us to help. She says that no one should have to go thru what these people are going thru. She explains with much thought on how they have nothing. It is one thing to lose your job, but you still have your home and your car. Or To lose your car, but you find a way to work. These peoples lives have changed completely. Forever. Then tells everyone they MUST help. She is no longer asking. She says that it our duty to help our fellow human beings, it is our responsibility. We MUST help these people rebuild their lives with dignity and respect. We are not giving them handouts. We are giving them a helping hand. Dignity and respect. BIG WORDS. I weep silently. I am releasing emotions that I had been unable to do anything with over this whole situation. I was grateful for my the safety of my friends. I was sad for the many that had been relocated. So many lives changed. Now the tears are flowing just as the sweat had been pouring earlier. She says that could have happened to anyone anywhere. We MUST do what we can and then give a little more. It will be appreciated. She spoke with such grace, such passion and such conviction. The students there will rally together and do what she asks. They always do. What she speaks is true. Here is this woman in San Francisco, who has never been to New Orleans, reaching out to help. More so, getting others involved to help. Why? Because she is good people. And Good people do that. "If we each do a small part, it will make a difference in someone life," she says. What would it be like if every community did just one small part. And then the sum of it all was put together? This could be solved rather quickly. Can you imagine? Thank you Fearless Leader. Thank you.

After I gathered myself up and tried to put myself together, The Yoga Princess and I went catch up even further and to have dinner at my favorite Vietnamese Restaurant, The Three Seasons. I love going then when I am in San Francisco. GREAT PLACE! We talked and she told me stuff and I told her stuff. I was able to talk about something that have been going on with me. It has been difficult to talk about. She listened and was supportive and loved me and did not judge me or even try to give a solution. She just listened. It felt so good to get this off my chest and move on. I love that girl! I really do.

San Francisco

2005-09-08T08:33:00.000-05:00

I leave for San Francisco today - in a couple of hours. YAY! I have been lookingo forward to this trip for sometime. I am going to visit the Yoga Princess. It is her birthday. She is turning 30! How exciting is that? I was also going to be there to watch her compete in the Northern California Regional Yoga Asana Competition. The competition was rescheduled for October. bummer! I love watching her. She is so graceful. She actually won the Northern California Regional Yoga Asana Competition in 2003. She is a Yoga Champion. I am so excited to see her and her husband. Thay are the coolest!

I am also excited to be in the presence of my Fearless Leader. I have a yoga teacher that I learn from in San Francisco. She is here. I am looking forward to having her kick my ass. Having her love me. Having her speak and inspire me. Having her help me reach within myself an touch what is already there. Somtimes, I think, we need someone to help us tap into our innermost selves. Then, we can go out into the world and be rejuvenated. I need that right now.

ChadFox and Daigle are two of the new people I plan on meeting. Those two, I have a feeling, are gonna wear me out! I am gonna try and run with them and see where we end up and what ends up happening - a peek into the lives of two glorious young men from San Fran-sicko as they call it. Ilove meeting new people and forming new friendships. Guys! I am truly looking forward to hanging out and chillin'

My Computer DIED!

2005-09-06T23:51:00.000-05:00

This is not completely true, but she is on her death bed. I do not know what happened. The computer people said I should just buy a new one. I need a new motherboard (what ever that is, it is VERY important.) They dont know what caused it to send crazy error messages and re-boot every so often. It also sends harddrive error messaged and RAM error messages. hmmm. I dont even know what all that means.I think I am going to take a class to learn this stuff, and maybe open a computer store where I will cater to people like me and help the learn and make informed decisions - and I would not speak in allthat computer-person-tech- lingo. I would use plain english, Like your whatcha-ma-dig-it is loose, so your thing-a-ma-bob is running slow. lol

I am trying to be careful. I would be very mad if I was at the end of my post, only to have this machine turn off! Therefore, losing everything as I type. I am also wanting to post somem really great pictures. I got a tattoo last week. MY FIRST ONE! (i know my picture has an arm band, but that washed off! hahaha
I will post as soon as i know it is safe to down load my pictures without losing them. I hope that is soon.

I now have to start shopping for a new laptop. My old roommate and dear old friend got me a great deal on this one thru his HP emplyee discount. (Apparently i did not buy the extended warranty) I will next time. He is not talking to me, (a still painful and sad topic for me. I can start crying at any minute. I wish him well and much love and happiness), So since he is not talking to me, I cant ask him for help. I may have to do this myself and just ask lots of questions. lol I play dumb blond rather well, but I dont think I will get the desired results in this situation. Some sales person will see a big commission check when they see me walk in the door. lol

Any ideas? Any comments, any help? I would greatly appreciate it!

Meme

2005-09-03T08:35:00.000-05:00

With everything going on I need a fun post. A while back, Brechi tagged me with a music meme. My computer was not working and I was terribly busy working New Orleans at the time. (acutally I did not know I had been tagged till yesterday when I was able to catch up in blog reading). I have long wondered what a meme was. So I want to thank ChadFox for the meme history lesson. Now I know what it is and so, in the imfamous word s of Ms Shirley Q Liquor, "And Here we go, now"

The instructions are so: List ten songs that you are currently digging ... it doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words, or even if they're no good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions, the artists, and the ten songs in your blog. Then tag five other people to see what they're listening to.

TOP TEN from my Ipod Mini (also named Let No One Steal Your Peace):

Taxi Taxi - Cher
Candy Shop - Fiddy (Fifty Cent)
I Was Country When Country Wasnt Cool - Barbara Mandrell (YES I LOVE HER!) **3.5 would be (If Loving You is Wrong) lol
I Sold My Heart to the Junk Man - Bette Middler
Milkshake - Kelis
Proud Mary - Tina Turner
What's Love Got To Do With It - Tina Turner
Must Not Chase the Boys - ***I do not know who- Popular club song about 2 years ago
Seven Whole Days - Toni Braxton
Beautiful Soul - Jesse McCartney

I am Tagging:

Ok. So that's it. I have to go now. Mary Christmas is yelling at me to get dressed causw I have to take him to the airport for his trip to Italy. I am using his computer since mine is still in the shop. ughh!

have a good one and PLEASE DONATE TO THE AMERICAN RED CROSS KATRINA RELIEF !!!!!!!

ARRRRGGGGG!

2005-09-02T11:00:00.000-05:00

I posted last week that I got my computer back. And I did. I had to put it back in the shop. I got it back on Monday and took it back Tuesday. I got it back last night. ***Side story. I was on my way to pick up my laptop when the Southern Belle, my friend from New Orleans that I had not heard from, called me. So we were catching up and I was trying to take notes on things he wanted me to do. While talking to him, my car started over heating. I got off the phone with him, pulled over in a ritzy neighborhood and opened the hood. Why? I dont know. That just seems to be what one does when one's car is broken down. I looked around and saw that a radiator hose had busted or broke or whatever it is that hoses do when they stop working. I called AAA (i love tripple A). I called Mary Christmas and asked him to go get my computer while I waited for the tow truck. he said ok (gotta love my friends) He got there just in time. when I got home after having dropped off my car at the shop, I stroked my laptop. I love it! END SIDE STORY****
That piece of shit computer is still broken! ARRRRRRGGGGG! I had to take it back today. I am so frustrated. I truly feel like a woman who is being taken advantage of by a macho mechanic. Being taken advantage of because I know so little about computers. (i know that this is not the case. these guys have been truly wonderful and patient with me (and my answers) when they ask me questions. But come on already! I had to go with out a car and a computer today. i am not working cause clients have not returned phone calls. It goes without saying that I will not be working in New Orleans for some time. So I need to figure out what I am doing money wise. Normally when I have down time like this, my computer is my entertainment. ugghhhhh! Anywho. I think I just needed to vent. Between Katrina, my friends in NOLA, my laptop, my financial mess, deling with the credit union, meetings with my accountant, and my car! GRRRRRR! I am about at the end of my rope. Mary Christmas leaves for Italy tomorrow. Who am I supposed to lean on? I guess I can handle it for 2 weeks! yikes! pray for me. lol

I guess this is just more STUFF that I get to experience. I know that in the end, it will all work out. I already got my car back. It was not that bad on the check book either. That was good. And I also know that many people have it wors eright now. So with that said. I will gove thanks for all my blessings and shut the F*** UP!

Mother Nature Has A Name

2005-09-01T22:02:00.000-05:00

With a very powerful and destructive force, she came in. There was rain and wind and certainly rising water. She picked up everything she could and used it in her favor. Using all of her resources, she devastated New Orleans. Mother Nature, named Katrina for now, was relentlessly violent. So many people evacuated. I am just still in awe. So many people displaced - those fortunate enough to leave. So many people ravaged and left to fend for themselves with comforts we have all come to EXPECT. No water, no food, no electricity, no shelter. Instead there was just enough of the opposite. My heart goes out to all of the victims of Hurricane Katrina.

I am so sad. I had not heard from the Southern Belle. He went to Florida to escape Katrina. I heard from him today. FINALLY! I was so worried. First I had a voice mail. I was moved to tears of joy, and tears of powerlessness, tears of frustration. He was stranded in Mississippi in a shelter for 3 days. He said it was very sad. He still has a job - only few can say this. He was able to get gas although it would take a few hours due to the long lines already forming. I am sure he was probably gouged by the price as well. He said that this was truly a humbling experience. I was a bit mad. A bit mad at God! Of all the people I know, there is not a more giving person that Michael! How could this happen. He is very involved in St Vincent De Paul in his Parrish in New Orleans - I've been with him. Every Saturday at the food bank, going out to see people that need help to pay their utility bills. Every Monday, meetings on how to better serve parishioners. Very involved in Gay Rights. A soul driven to give - selflessly. How could this happen when to him.

I also have another friend who moved to New Orleans last week, on Monday to be exact. Last week was his first week at his new job. His belongings arrived via movers on Friday. He had to evacuate on Sunday. He is safe here in Houston. I wonder if he still has a job. Probably not. No one does. My heart goes out to him. He really has lost everything.

I am proud to be a Texan and a Houstonian today. We have opened our great city to our neighbors in Louisiana - the New Orleanians. WELCOME. So many evacuees are being transferred from the Superdome in New Olreans to the AstroDome in Houston. So many Houstonians have stepped up and volunteered our most valuable asset - time. From every walk of life, of every age, shape, creed, color,and socio-economic class. You see, when disaster strikes we are all alike - human. And we are doing what we can to help our fellow human beings.

I went with two sponsorees today to volunteer at the Houston Food Bank. This is food that will be taken to the AstroDome to feed our guests from New Orleans. It filled my heart to see them work so hard to help others. You see, one of them is only 4 days sober. The other is 40 days. It was amazing to show someone with 4 days that we can make a difference in other people's lives. And as for the 40 day guy, this was his idea. We ha so much fun, cutting up and cracking up at the same time working very hard. It made me feel good to know that I was repaying a kind act that someone had given to my friend while in Mississippi. It also made me feel good because, after all is said and done, we all need a kind act from someone from time to time.

If you can, please send any donations to the American Red Cross. These people need our help. New Olreans really has been wiped out. There are no jobs to go back to. It was reported that it may take as long as three, 3, tres, months just to have power restored. What are these people to do? You kindness will make a difference in many people's lives.

I want to Thank DAIGLE for posting the code for the Red Cross link. Makes it easy for those of us that are new to this and are a bit of HTML CODE challenged. :)

Serenity Please.

2005-08-30T22:39:00.000-05:00

I received some rather disturbing news last Monday afternoon. I was just a bit distraught over this. I will not be going into what it was but let's just say it is a financial mess of my own making.I had just arrived in New Olreans and had to cut my work week terribly short. I came back to Houston on Tuesday to start straightening out this terrible stuff.

I am so grateful for Mary Christmas, my best friend, who instantly extended his help and gave it freely. I am gratefull he was not judgemental. I am grateful he knows that this one thing does not define who I am but rather has started to shape me for the better. He has been so supportive. I was gonna cancel my trip to San Francisco and he said "NO!" He told me I would go as planned and I would have fun. I am glad he is in my corner. I am glad I am still going to San Fran.

I had a meeting on Thursday where I received more information. I was totally side-swipped by a possible solution that I immediately decided was not an option for me. I have made quite a big mess. I do not know what the resolution is going to be. What I do know is that if I can stay clean and sober for a little over 5 years, there is nothing, absolutely nothing that I can't do. That is what Alcoholics Anonymous has taught me. There are times when I think that this is all too much for me. And that is when some newcomer comes into my life and gets me out of self. Thank you so much! That's what I needed, a two-week sober YOUNG ADDICT to help me realize that nothing is insurmountabe once the drug and alcohol problem is solved - the sky is the limit. Hanging out with him has been a life saver.

I have been in close contact with my sponsor. She has been good to me. I just staretd working with her and here away we go! Theer is a DOOOOOOZZZYY of a problem t help with. I have been going to more meetings than I have in a long time - sometimes twice a day. I have been hanging out with newcomers galore! They are key to my sobriety. I have been taking direction by people who have gone thru what I am going thru. I have also experienced one of the promises. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. I have been able to help others start the process I am starting.

I do not know what is going to happen. I am fairly certain this is not exactly over yet. There is some work that still needs to be done. I was so shaken that I had to stop, ask for direction, take and apply that direction. You see, I allowed something to take my peace. What I do know is this: LET NO ONE STEAL YOUR PEACE! I have asked for serenity. And I have said please. It feels good to practice what I preach. In all that I do and say, in all that happens, IN ALL MY AFFAIRS, Let No One Steal Your Peace,
Serenity, Please.
Thank you.

Do You Have A White Dog?

2005-08-30T07:26:00.000-05:00

I have truly been going stir-crazy by not having my computer. It is very difficult to communicate these days with out one. IN having to book speakers for our convention, some of them have sent many emails and I am CALLING them to leave voicemails to explain why I have not returned their emails. I have been trying to get work done, and it is difficult to email copy, photos or artwork files sans computer. I have been going thru blogging withdrawal too! yikes! I really miss reading too. Mary Christmas let me borrow his laptop a few times, BUT I do not like using other's computers. So those computer sessions were very brief.

Daddy Long Legs referred me to his computer guy who was finally able to come over. Since I have been traveling and had a guy staying over here house sitting and puppy sitting and running errands ( I was on the road for about 6 weeks). They (the house sitter and computer guy) were not able to coordinate schedules to pickup or drop off the laptop. I was so frustrated by all this. Well, computer guy finally came over an did a bunch of stuff but was unable to do anything. He referred me to Data Doctors. I called, got their address, dropped off the lap top last Friday.

They called me on Monday morning. "Hi Cisco, this Is RJ with Data Doctors."
Me: "Hi RJ"
RJ: "Do you have a white dog"
My first thought was 'OH NO! She got out again and he has found her.' ---wait a minute. He is not near here. Huh? What is he taking about?
me: "I am Sorry RJ. What was that?"
RJ: "When we took you computer apart, we found a lot of dust and white hair."
me: "Oh. Yeah. I own a little white dog - but maybe not much longer! COCO!"
RJ: laughs. "We get this a lot. It is really important for you to keep your computer clean. It is all that dust and hair that are causing your computer to overheat and shut down. We are gonna keep it one more day to make sure nothing else is going on and then you can pick up your laptop."
me: "So that's it?! Nothing else? What's this gonna cost me?"
RJ: laughing still "That's it. The cost is what you have already paid, for the diagnostic stuff (I am adding "stuff" cause I do not remember exactly what he said although I am sure it was not "diagnostic stuff") I'll call you this afternoon when it is ready."
me: "THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!"

Then me again: "COCO! Where the F*** are you?!" As I hear her scramble under my bed - her safe place from any and every one. I got her to come out and she was just so precious. I could not stay mad. Look at her.. Who could stay mad when she looks at you with those BIG brown eyes and tilts her head to side as if to say "Daddy, I am sorry. I wont do it again. Please Daddy. Will you take me on a walk? Ok Daddy. I want a treat." Then she ran off an got a toy and brought it to me. So we played. Yes I have a little white dog. And I just love her.

Computer

2005-08-23T08:01:00.000-05:00

I am so not computer literate. I am surprised at what I have been able to do thus far. I have done something to my computer. It is in the shop. Hopefully I will get it back by the end of the week. I am using the Southern Belle's computer as I am back in New Orleans. I posted something I have had as a draft from last week. I have more drafts. As soon as I get my laptop back, I will publish those and feel better about getting some of this out. (although I already feel good about having written. very therapeutic whether you get to read it or not. lol) Let's hope my computer thing is not a big expensive ordeal.

Affirmation Writing Party Etiquette

2005-08-23T07:35:00.000-05:00

Hot Yoga Chick invited me and several others to come to the studio today to write affirmations on the walls before they get painted on Monday. This way, all of that positive energy and love stay there at the studio- ALWAYS. I thought that was a great idea. I also felt honored and priviledged to have been invited. (you know there was a time when people would rather I not be around them. I am regularly surprised that people ask me to come by or go hang out). So I woke up this morning and went to the Y, worked out. (felt good since it had been about 2 weeks.) I went to Smoothie King to get a smoothie. While I was there I called Hot Yoga Chick to ask a very important question: "What does one wear to an Affirmation Writing Party? I am at such a loss. I consider myself pretty social savvy and have not been able to figure this out."
She said,"WHAT?" then laughed.
Then I laughed. Out of all the people she knows I am the only one that would have come up with such a question. LOL we laughed some more and came up with some ideas. (of course I was just kidding. I already knew what I was gonna wear. BUT, I did wonder what would be appropriate)

The studio is looking so good. I met lots of their friends and some of our students came up from Houston. It was so good to see them and catch up since I have not been teaching nor practicing. We were given instructions and then let loose. My favorite instruction was to say the affirmation out loud while we wrote it. (this falls inline with why we say the name of the yoga pose (in Sanskrit when possible) when teaching. It invokes the power of that pose into the room. I loved that idea. The spoken word is very powerful. Especially words like PEACE, LOVE, FAITH, DISCIPLINE, COURAGE, etc, I could go on and on. Needless to say, the studio has "LET NO ONE STEAL YOUR PEACE" in the yoga room forever. And I said it out loud. And felt goof to give a little bit of me to stay there for the success of this great space. I also left behind "OPEN YOUR MIND, MIRACLES HAPPEN HERE DAILY, and OPEN YOUR HEART" Saying these words out loud really made me connect to this wonderful venture, this house of healing. Hot Yoga Chick, Mr Hot Yoga Chick, and BYTW - I send to you and wish you all of my peace, love, grace, blessings and success!

We had so much fun writing all over the walls. There were kids there too and they got to write and doodle, and paint. It was so cute.

Yoga Pose

2005-08-19T10:24:00.000-05:00

Hot Yoga Chick sent me this picture. A bunch of us got together a while back and posed (pardon the oun) for pictures while doing yoga poses. These are going to be used by Bikram Yoga The Woodlands. The newest and second Bikram Yoga Studio in the Houston area. It is going to be spectacular. I cant wait for them to open.

This is me doing Tuladandasana or Balancing Stick pose.

Benefits:

Increases physical control and balance
Improves physical, psychological, and mental powers
Firms the Hips, Buttocks & Upper thighs
Develops Concentration, Patience, & Determination
Tightens abdominal and thigh muscles
Improves sciatic nerve flexibility
Stengthens tendons
Strengthens muscles of Hamstrings, Deltoids, Trapezius, Latissimus dorsi &
Scapula area, as well as Biceps, & Triceps
Increases circulation
Strengthens heart muscle
Increases lung capacity
Improves bad posture
Improves strength, flexibility, and tone of muscles: The shoulders, upper arms,
spine, hip joints

Side story. I home office for the company I work for. They are actually in another state. I have not met any of the people in the corporate office but I talk to them very regularly, daily really. The girls used to ask me to send pictures so they could see what I look like. My response has always been that I am just a short, fat, Mexican. This is going on six years. I have sent them pictures of me all like this one - no face. tee-heee The girls in the office always get on me for sending pictures where they dont see my face. The story has become that they Are Cisco's Angels. You know, like Charlie's Angels. The Angels never met Charlie but talked to him all the time (like we do) and they did have close run ins but never meet. They saw pictures of him, from the back or in a group, but he was always the guy who was cut off. lol..... When I sent this to them yesterday, I got paged and when I called in I got an earful. hahahahahaha I just replied, "Well, Angels, that's the best I can do right now." And they laughed too.
OK. So I have had this is my DRAFTS as I did not have a computer to work from. When I was trying to upload the picture, I was unable to. It is a .bmp file (whatever that is) So as soon as I can I will post the picture and then this will make more sense.